Burn
by Vorcha Girl
Summary: Kaidan and Shepard decide to rekindle their romance during some shore leave on the Citadel, but when James makes a play for Shepard's affections everything goes awry. James and Kaidan have to decide if love is worth the cost of their friendship, and Shepard has to decide on the man she's always loved or the man who was there for her when no one else was... (Kaidan/Shep & Vega/Shep)
1. Burn

_Disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect…well…I do…but it's a personal copy and Bioware owns all the rights. _

**A/N – School holidays are over so it was back to work for me! But as always I need to distract myself and fic is the best way I know how! Enjoy and let me know what you think! This is set post-clone and pre-party! (I do so love that Citadel DLC!)  
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Kaidan watched as Shepard lightly side-stepped around James, her movements cat-like as she blocked and dodged his blows and then landed several quick strikes of her own. She was quick and graceful; her red hair streaming behind her like a banner as she moved. It was as though she were dancing rather than sparring. James was quick too, despite his impressive size he was able to move far faster than Kaidan would have imagined and it was almost dizzying to watch the two of them circling around each other, each determinedly continuing the training session despite the damage they'd already taken; Shepard had a nasty red welt on her cheek that, without medigel, would blossom into a beautiful bruise come the morning, while James had a bloody lip and a black eye that was rapidly swelling.

Shepard had asked Kaidan over to her apartment on the Citadel for drinks earlier that day, telling him that she'd definitely be finished her training match with James by then. But when he'd arrived she and James had still been at it, and he'd stepped in as an unofficial referee when he saw that both of them had already done some damage to each other and that neither of them were willing to yield.

"That all you got, Lola?" James taunted her as he wiped a small trickle of blood from his chin where it had run from his busted lip. He quickly swung hard at Shepard and Kaidan held his breath as he watched her quickly dodge out of reach. Zillia chuckled as though James had done something funny.

"What? You want another black eye to match the one I already gave you?" Shepard gave as good as she got as she ducked another blow from James and got him in the gut with a quick uppercut. She danced away out of reach again as James staggered. "Are you ready to cry uncle, Vega?"

"I think maybe I am, ma'am." James abruptly stepped back and held up a hand, sheepishly wiping away another smear of blood from his chin with the other. "Good session."

Zillia chuckled again and stepped forward to shake his hand, both of them grinning like loons despite the injuries they had suffered. The friendly connection between the two was strong and it was clear that when Shepard had been grounded on Earth with James as her Alliance guard, the two of them had become close – although thankfully _not_ as close as Vega obviously wanted.

Sometimes, when they had down time on the Normandy, he and James would play poker and the conversations would almost always end up on the topic of Shepard. Kaidan had heard the talk around the Normandy that James was a massive Shepard-fan, but he hadn't really understood what they meant. It was during the conversations they'd had over poker that he had understood just how much the young lieutenant admired and looked up to their Commander, and it had become painfully clear that Vega had a massive crush on Shepard.

Kaidan had kept quiet about his history with Shepard and had managed to hide his feelings about her from James; usually replying noncommittally when James made comments about how hot she looked or if he thought that he should ask her out for drinks. Things had become a little more difficult once Kaidan and Zillia had begun flirting with each other again and it was clear they were heading for a reconciliation, but he'd just been extra careful to keep their relationship quiet from James. Aside from the fact that he had always felt that his personal life was no one's business but his own, he did feel bad for the guy and didn't want to rub it in his face.

"You two need to learn to not take your sparring sessions so seriously." Kaidan leaned back against the wall and watched, bemused, as they both limped to the bathroom to grab towels and apply medigel to themselves. "Seriously though, do you two always train like this?"

James gave him a wink as he moved out of the bathroom, a towel slung around his neck. "Lola can't enough of me. I think the training is just another way for her to get her hands on my body."

"In your dreams, Vega." Shepard followed him out of the bathroom and jabbed him lightly in the back, her yellow wolf-eyes playful and oblivious at the effect her touch had on the young man.

Kaidan felt the usual swell of annoyance that he experienced whenever Vega flirted with Shepard, but he swallowed it down and reminded himself that it didn't mean anything; Zillia took Vega's flirting with a grain of salt. Besides which, when he and Sheppard had grabbed lunch on the Citadel the other day she'd admitted she still had feelings for him. In fact, if he hadn't been so determined on being a gentleman he probably could have whisked her back to the Normandy and had his wicked way with her – God knows she had made it clear that she was willing enough.

But no, he _had_ to be Alenko the gentleman.

"You bet, ma'am." The lieutenant, whose face had lit up at her gentle jab, sobered slightly when he realised that Kaidan was waiting for Shepard to finish up and that they clearly had plans together. He leaned against the wall next to Kaidan whose lithely muscled frame was dwarfed by his bulk, and crossed his arms over his chest; the muscles straining. "So what are you two up to tonight? Hitting the casino? Watching a vid?"

For the first time since he'd known James, Kaidan heard a thread of something that sounded suspiciously like jealousy in his voice. He glanced at Vega, but the younger man had eyes only for Shepard and his gaze followed her as she crossed the room towards them. The Commander didn't seem to notice though as she gingerly touched her cheek, which had reduced in size since she'd applied medigel, and threw the towel she'd been wiping herself down with back into the bathroom. Kaidan followed James' gaze and watched Shepard himself; it was crazy that someone could be covered in sweat and blood, with stringy hair, and still manage to look smoking hot.

Or maybe he just thought that because he loved her.

"We were going to grab drinks and dinner, weren't we?" Shepard glanced over at Kaidan and their eyes sizzled as they met. The chemistry between them was still there and was as powerful and electric as ever, which was nothing short of amazing considering what an idiot he had been in the past.

"I'm up for anything Shepard, you're the boss." Kaidan said easily, grinning when Shepard narrowed her eyes at him. He knew she hated it when he deferred to her and acted as though she outranked him.

"Uh huh." She rolled her eyes and came closer, poking him in the chest with one finger. "You know very well that when we're off the Normandy, you outrank me, _Major_."

James cleared his throat awkwardly and pushed off the wall, his demeanour suddenly far cooler than it usually was. "Yes, well…" He murmured, eyes moving between Kaidan and Shepard and clearly not liking whatever it was he saw. "I'll leave you two to your dinner." He strode down the hallway as though he didn't trust himself not to say something more, hesitating at the doorway to call back, "Enjoy your evening, Lola." Then he was gone and the door slammed shut behind him _slightly_ harder than necessary.

"He has a crush on you, you know." Kaidan pushed away from the wall and grinned as he caught Shepard in his arms, his hands sliding down and circling around her waist to pull her against him. Despite all the flirting and the talking they'd done lately, this was the first time he'd done anything more than holding her hand or a kiss on the cheek. It had been too long since he'd held her in his arms and felt the soft curves of her body fitting against his.

"Yeah, I know." Shepard snuggled in closer to him and shrugged helplessly as she looped her arms around his neck, "It's just a crush though, I don't think he's serious." She leaned in close for a kiss, her lips firm and warm against his, the tip of her tongue stealing out to tease at his.

Kaidan slid one hand up to the back of her neck to press her closer and opened his mouth to Shepard's invitation to deepen the kiss. The velvet slide of her tongue in his mouth was a long forgotten pleasure, as was the taste of her kiss; a strange mix of peppermint and the faint coppery taste of blood from the training earlier. Zillia groaned lightly in pleasure and kissed him again and again, hungry quick kisses and slower deeper kisses, her hands sliding down his shoulders and resting lighting on his chest. She pressed close to him, resting her head on his chest as she sucked in air unsteadily.

"God, Kaidan. I've missed you so much." She breathed the words more than spoke them, and they were so soft that Kaidan almost missed them.

She sounded so lonely and so wistful, and he was seized by a sudden wave of guilt for the way he'd treated her on Horizon and for the way he'd deliberately ignored her when he knew she was back on Earth under house arrest. He'd been a jerk, he knew, but after two years of believing her dead he'd been thrown by her reappearance and sudden alliance with Cerberus. He hadn't really allowed himself to really believe it _was_ her, preferring instead to believe that she was some sort of clone that Cerberus had cooked up to infiltrate the Alliance. Keeping his distance had hurt, but he'd reasoned with himself that it was better than getting hurt all over again when it turned out it _wasn't_ the reason Shepard.

But of course, she _had_ been the real Shepard and it seemed that everyone except for him had realised it. He'd read her files; both the Alliance files and the Shadow Broker files...although 'read' was a poor word for the obsessive way he'd poured over the dossiers once he'd been on board the Normandy. Everything he read had either made him feel red hot with rage, sick with fury or incredibly guilty for the way he'd written her out of his life. For a while he'd even been unable to bring himself to speak to Liara; angry that she'd handed Shepard's body over to the nuts at Cerberus without telling him what she was up to, and yet glad that she had because it was the only reason that Shepard was back with them.

Cerberus may have done the impossible and brought Shepard back to life, but the important thing was that they had brought the _real_ Shepard back to life and not some hollow copy or genetic clone. She was still the woman she had been before her death. She still laughed at the same things and still felt the same way about the people in her life. She was still _his _Shepard.

"I missed you too; more than I can say." He rested his chin on her head and just held her close for a moment, eyes closed, savouring the feel of her body in his arms. They stood like that together for a moment that seemed to stretch forever until Shepard subtly pressed closer and turned her face up to his again, the pressure of her body against his increasing as she shifted.

"So, are we going to have those drinks? Or should we take this to the bed?" She didn't wait for an answer and caught his lips in another steamy kiss, her hands trailing down his chest and stomach to the waistband of his pants. She slipped her fingers inside and grasped the waistband, pulling him closer against her and off the wall.

Kaidan grunted with surprise and almost stumbled against her as she pulled him closer still, her fingers still playfully resting just inside the waist band of his pants. He'd forgotten how brazen Shepard could be when she wanted something; and right now she wanted _him_.

Well, two could play at that game!

"You seem awfully riled up Shepard…" He smirked down at her, running his own hands down her body, deliberately trailing them next to and under her breasts without so much as brushing against them, and then lightly resting his hands on either side of her waist. She shivered in his arms at the gentle touch and he knew without a sliver of doubt that she desperately wanted more than just gentle touches.

"It must be all that sparring with James that does it." She countered, her eyes flashing mercilessly as her fingers dipped further into his pants, almost but not quite brushing against a part of him that was certainly reacting to her physical proximity. "All that grappling and physical contact…it gets the heart rate up and the blood pumping." Shepard kissed him again, this time lightly grazing her teeth on his lower lip.

"Should I be jealous?" He raised one eyebrow, a move which he knew drove Shepard wild because, try as she might, she couldn't replicate it.

"Are you?" She purred as she went on tiptoe to kiss him again and her damned teasing fingers slipped further into his pants and caressed him lightly. "He _is_ pretty cute…"

He muttered something unintelligible against her lips and she laughed softly, delighted that she could still affect him like this with such a small touch. "If you _are_ jealous maybe you should remind me why it is that I picked you? Hmm?" She grasped the waist band of his pants again and tugged him along with her as she took a step backwards.

Kaidan could see the bed behind her that she was pulling him towards and he almost laughed at her devious behaviour. "Why Shepard, are you suggesting that I seduce you?" He willingly took another step towards the bed when she pulled him forward again, moving his hands back up her body to cup her breasts through the exercise shirt she was wearing. "Or are you suggesting I push you back on this bed here and fuck your brains out?" He let his breath drop to a growl and lowered his head down to kiss her again, her mouth hot and fevered against his.

He picked her up then, taking her by surprise, and she let out a kind of girlish squeal that Kaidan would never have expected to hear from her. Grinning at her surprise he carried her to the bed scooped in his arms, and then gently set her down as he kissed her yet again, feeling intoxicated by the electricity between them.

Shepard abruptly pulled away and glared at up at him, "You're wearing too many clothes, Alenko." She complained.

Kaidan chuckled and pulled his shirt off, feeling a swell of pride as Zillia's eyes feasted on his muscled skin. He'd always looked after himself and he knew he looked great with his shirt off – Shepard had told him so often enough when they'd been younger. It had been a while since she'd seen him like though, and he at least was a few years older, but he still worked hard to maintain his health and fitness. All those hours working out felt worth it to have Shepard looking at him like a dying man in the desert watching a glass of water.

"Someone's been working out, I see." Shepard ran eyes over him appreciatively and crawled to her knees on the bed, wrapping her arms around him and pulling him down onto the bed beside her. She pushed him down, back to her usual domineering self, and crawled over him, straddling his waist as she made a far more intimate inspection of his muscled torso.

Zillia ran teasing fingers and lips over the contours of his body, kissing, licking and gently biting his rippling abdominal muscles and his toned pecks. She kissed her was down his body, hesitating over his waist band as she flicked molten yellow eyes up to him, an almost unbearable look of need in her eyes as she began to unbuckle his pants…

A crash and a loud expletive startled both of them and Shepard yelped as she fell off the bed and Kaidan sat bolt upright, automatically reaching for a gun at his side that wasn't there. Standing in the doorway was James, who had clearly fallen or stumbled into one of the ugly ornamental art pieces that Anderson had left in the apartment before he gave it to Shepard. It sat at his feet in a scatter of glistening broken glass.

"Oh God!" James frantically looked from Shepard to Kaidan, a look of horror and embarrassment on his face as he quickly backed out of the room. "Oh God! I'm so sorry!"

Kaidan swore as he hopped off the bed and grabbed his shirt off the floor, equally embarrassed, annoyed and frustrated at having their moment ruined. Shepard had scrambled to her feet, her face bright red and her eyes wide with mortification.

"James, wait!" Kaidan pulled his shirt on and quickly followed the lieutenant who was almost back at the front door.

Vega reluctantly stopped when Kaidan called, both of his hands curled into fists and his face almost as red as Shepard's had been. He looked quickly at Kaidan and then looked away again, one hand coming up to rub at his forehead like he couldn't believe what he had seen. There was an awkward silence as Kaidan caught up with him and realised that he didn't actually know what he wanted to say. Shepard, who had been following in his wake came to a stop next to them and joined in with the awkward silence for a moment before James spoke, his words bursting out of him without warning.

"Look, I'm sorry…I'm not going to make a big deal about this or tattle on you for fraternising." He looked at Kaidan again, his blue eyes a seething mess of emotions that Kaidan didn't even want to try and place. Chief among them those was a look of intense embarrassment and hurt, like he thought that Kaidan had done this deliberately.

"James...what the hell were you doing?" Although Shepard was still blushing red, she had no trouble getting his attention and looking James squarely in the eyes. "You can't just walk in here and…"

James interrupted her, his eyes and voiced pained, "I left my workout bag here and just thought since I'd only been gone for a few minutes I could quickly pop in and get it…I'm so sorry to intrude! I didn't think you two would be…"

His voice faltered as Shepard went an even brighter shade of red and spun around, walking away quickly and retreating back to the kitchen. James looked away from her as she vanished around the corner and curled and uncurled his fists, taking a deep breath and glancing back at Kaidan again.

"James…" Kaidan wasn't sure what he was going to say, but Vega interrupted him.

"Please don't." It sounded as though the words were being tortured out of him. He started to say something more and then stopped, shook his head turned away, his hand fumbling for the door handle. "I'm really sorry." He ducked out the door before Kaidan could say anything else.

Maybe it was the light, but Kaidan could have sworn that it looked like James was almost crying and he felt a strange sense of guilt that Vega had had to see the woman he adored in the arms of another man – and a friend at that.

Kaidan flicked the door lock on and went back to the kitchen where Shepard was sitting at the bench, looking shell shocked and still flushed red. She'd poured herself a stiff drink and Kaidan helped himself to one as he sat down beside her, the sense of guilt fading as he saw how ruffled and cute Shepard looked when she was embarrassed. Besides which, when he thought about it, the situation was pretty funny; two Spectres _– the best of the best –_ being caught out by a lowly alliance soldier.

"Well that was awkward." She muttered, frowning at him when she saw that he was starting to smile. "Knock it off, Kaidan. It's not funny."

"Oh, come on. He didn't see anything too bad." He took a quick sip of the liquor and almost laughed as another thought occurred to him. "Look at it this way; just think what he might have seen if he'd walked in a few minutes later!"

Shepard tried to give him another frown, but he could see the corners of her mouth twitching. She finally broke a small smile tumbled over her face as she put her head in her hands and drew in a deep breath. "Oh god…I can't even imagine!" She muttered. "This is bad enough! If he tells anyone that he walked in on us..."

"You saw his face, Zillia. He's not going to be telling _anyone_. I think he was more embarrassed them we were." Kaidan put his glass down, surprise to see that he'd finished it so quickly. He suddenly felt the need for more alcohol and some food to go along with it, especially since the romantic atmosphere was most certainly gone for the moment.

"Shepard," Kaidan took one of her hands, "Not to be prosaic, but James was kind of a mood killer, so how about you and I get some food?"

Shepard groaned and pushed her drink away, still looking adorably embarrassed, "The ultimate mood killer." she agreed and stood up, "Food sounds great – I'll just get changed."

Kaidan took their cups to the sink and washed them up while he waited for her to put on something other than sweaty workout gear. Despite his jokes he knew, probably better than Shepard did, just how hurt James was going to be by this. The guy might be a flirt, but he had a heart of gold and it was probably going to be shattered by what he'd seen tonight. He just hoped it wasn't going to be the end of James' friendship with Shepard or with himself.

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**A/N – Totally *not* what I was planning on writing. This was supposed to be a smutty Shenko one-shot! Oh well, I'm enjoying writing this – James Vega is certainly going to be interesting in this fic! Let me know what you think – reviews are always loved!**


	2. Dream

_Disclaimer: Mass Effect is owned by Bioware! I'm just a lowly fan!_

**A/N – Thank you for the feedback from the last chapter. The reviews and comments I got were very encouraging and kind! I hope you all enjoy this chapter!**

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James grunted as he forced himself to do another set of pull ups; sweat running down his body, muscles aching with a familiar sweet burn and his concentration absolute as he tried to stop his mind from replaying the scene he'd walked in on the night before. It was impossible though, no matter how many times he told himself to forget about it and not to dwell on what had happened, it was all he could think about. He'd hoped exercising would be a distraction as it had been in the past, and for a while it had worked, but then he'd gotten into the rhythm of his workout and his mind had starting churning over everything he'd seen last night. He couldn't help but go over all the things that he could have done differently and still escaped with even a shred of dignity intact.

If only he hadn't forgotten his work out bag _and_ hadn't just assumed it would be fine to walk in. If only he hadn't heard them and gotten curious. If only he hadn't knocked the stupid ornamental glass _thing_ over. If only Kaidan didn't know how he felt about Shepard_. If only_…He'd lost count of how many pull ups he'd done, but it was probably more than he'd usually do in a set, not that it mattered. Nothing seemed to matter now except straightening out what had happened last night and figuring out how he'd missed the memo that Kaidan and Shepard were an item.

He felt like such an idiot. The whole time he'd been hanging out with Kaidan, he'd been banging on about Shepard; how attractive he thought she was. How amazing she was. How perfect she was. He'd even asked Kaidan if he thought it was worth his time to ask Zillia out for drinks. What a joke! Kaidan had probably been laughing behind his back the entire time…or worse, he'd probably been laughing about it _with_ Shepard behind his back.

Vega felt sick even thinking about it. Kaidan, who James genuinely liked, hadn't given so much as a hint that he was pursuing Shepard or even that he found her attractive. It was maddening and the situation felt all the worse because James been sure that if he could just work up the courage to ask Shepard out she would have said yes. They had so much in common and they'd become so close while on Earth; laughing, drinking and hanging out together while he acted as her guard. She was everything he'd ever dreamed of finding in a woman; strong, beautiful, brave and an amazing soldier…and now it was too late.

Dropping to the ground James began to do crunches, ignoring his body's complaints as he forced it through more torturous exercises. Pain was good. Pain distracted him from his thoughts. It distracted him from remembering that he'd heard them last night before he'd seen them – heard Shepard's laughter and her squeal and he'd known even then what he was going to find before he walked into the room. He knew he should have turned around and walked back out…but he had had to know for sure, so he'd gone to the doorway like a man in a walking nightmare and had seen them on the bed together. It had been a shock, seeing Kaidan shirtless on the bed with Shepard coiled over him, kissing and moving down his body…

_No!_

James tried to turn his mind to something else, anything else, but he couldn't help but remember what had happened next in slow and crystal clear detail. He'd taken a step backwards without thinking about it, intending to sneak away, and had backed straight into the stupid glass _thing_ that had been sitting against the wall. It had smashed, he'd cursed, Sheppard had screamed and fallen off the bed and Kaidan had almost jumped out of his skin. They'd been so entranced in each other than he'd managed to scare the living daylights out of both of them with a loud noise.

He could still remember the expression Shepard's face when she looked up and had seen him standing there. She'd been embarrassed and horrified and had looked at him as though he was a pervert who'd some sneaking in to spy on them. Kaidan had looked almost as embarrassed as her, but he'd also looked sorry for James, which had had made him feel worse. He'd wanted to scream at the biotic soldier and ask him why he'd gone after Shepard when he'd known that he was planning on asking her out…but he hadn't. He had just left like a kicked puppy, feeling as though he was going to be sick.

The sick feeling was still with him.

When the hell had Kaidan and Shepard even started seeing each other? Sure, they went on a lot of missions together but that was business and either he or Garrus was almost always with them. Besides, Shepard had made it clear that she wasn't interested in dating soldiers; very, very clear.

The one and only time he'd talked to Shepard about her past relationships had been back on Earth when she'd told him that the only man she'd even loved had broken her heart. When he'd pushed for details, curious about why anyone would walk away from a woman like Zillia, she'd reluctantly told him that they'd served together on the original Normandy and that when she'd died he'd moved on with his life. When they'd met up again on Horizon, during a Collector attack, he'd rejected her because of Cerberus – because they had brought her back and she was working with what he considered the enemy. She'd become upset even talking about it, her eyes had filled with tears and she'd looked away from him, both of them pretending she wasn't crying.

That was when she'd told him, point blank, that she didn't have anyone in her life romantically and that she didn't think she ever would, and especially not with another Alliance officer. James had respected that and kept his feelings hidden from her in the months following the admission; never letting her see how much he felt for her and how much he wanted to be with her. It had been hard not to make a move though, especially in those times when she'd been hurting and alone, but the memories of her tears when she'd talked about her last relationship always kept him at bay.

Somehow though, Kaidan had managed to break through the pain of what her old lover had done to her. Somehow he'd made Shepard break all her own rules and care about him! God! The guy had only been on the ship for a few weeks, so how the hell had he done it? What did he have that made him so irresistible to Shepard?

"James?" Shepard's voice, soft but insistent, interrupted him and he sat up, realising that she was standing a few feet away from his usual workout space in the Normandy's shuttle bay. Aside from her the bay was deserted, almost all of the crew were on shore leave and the alliance mechanics worked strict hours and had left a while ago.

James sat up, painfully aware that he was covered in sweat and probably stank from his workout, in short; he was a mess. He climbed to his feet and turned to face the woman who he'd built up in his head to be the paragon of everything he believed in. She looked the same as ever in her battle uniform; her bright red hair framing a face that was beautiful in every possible way. Her skin was pale as porcelain, her eyes were the colour of liquid gold and were framed by thick lashes; she was utterly breathtaking and as always he was spellbound for a second, unable to think or speak. She brushed her hair behind her ear, and his eyes followed her movements.

"You forgot to take this with you last night." She held out the cursed black gym bag that was the cause of all the embarrassment, holding it by a strap in one hand. It hung in the air for a moment and when he didn't step forward and take it she set it down on the ground between, her lips twisted in wry look of disappointment.

James felt like a fool as the bag sat there between them, appearing to him to be a symbol of all the ridiculous ideas he'd had in his head about he and Shepard becoming a couple. He silently cursed himself for not reaching out and taking the bag when she'd held it out to him; now she would know for certain exactly how uncomfortable he was feeling.

"Thanks, Commander." He finally stepped forward and grabbed the bag, slinging it over one shoulder and giving her an awkward half-smile. "Look, I'm sorry again about what happened last night. I wouldn't have walked in if I'd known you and the Major were…uh..."

_Liar! You heard them as soon as you walked in and you knew exactly what you'd see in that room…_

"No, it's okay." Shepard held up a hand to forestall him, "Let's just forget it happened." Her cheeks were flushed red again and she looked away quickly when their eyes met briefly. "I just wanted to give you your bag back. I'll see you later…"

James shuffled awkwardly as she turned to go, but quickly reached out a hand and lightly touched her shoulder; stopping her. "Shepard, I know it's none of my business, but…why Kaidan?" She turned around and stared at him silently, waiting for him to elaborate on his curiosity.

"It's just back on Earth you were pretty damn certain you weren't going to be hooking up again anytime soon – especially after that other guy broke your heart." James explained. Shepard looked uncomfortable and glanced at his hand on her shoulder which he quickly removed, aware that he was invading her personal space.

She cleared her throat and brushed her hair behind her ears again, chewing on her lip uncertainly. "Kaidan and I, well, it's complicated." Shepard looked him in the eyes and James saw something in them harden. "Besides, you're right; it really isn't any of your business."

Her words hit him like a slap in the face and James felt some of the control he'd worked so hard to maintain over the last few hours start to slip. "None of my _business_? Commander, I was there with you on Earth while you got over the idiot who broke your heart and I was there for you when the Alliance did you over and took your ship." He felt something akin to agony as he took a step forward, his face open and emotions exposed. "Zillia, you have to know how I feel about you…"

"James,_ don't_…"

"Don't what? Tell you what you already know? Don't tell you that I love you?" James paused, almost unable to believe he'd finally said it…but he had. "I do love you, you know. Even if you don't feel the same way, so don't tell me it's none of my business when I see you throwing yourself at some guy who you've only just met again for the first time in years…"

"James, it's really not like that." Zillia spread her hands in front of her and took a step towards him, her golden eyes pleading with him to understand. "You don't know anything about Kaidan and I…"

"I know that I spent the last few weeks telling him how great you are and he just sat there like a rock and shrugged." James almost spat the words, so great was his anger and bitter disappointment. "You know, I _respected_ you. I respected that you needed time and space to get yourself together. But maybe I shouldn't have. Maybe I should have just gone in guns blazing and told you how I felt, huh?"

James was suddenly seized by a kind of reckless madness and without thinking he stepped forward, closing the distance between them and kissed Zillia, his hands either side of her face. The kiss only lasted an instant; long enough for him feel how warm her lips were and to realise that she tasted of peppermint toothpaste. Then he lost he nerve and stepped back, his hands slowly drifting down from her face. Shepard didn't say anything, she just stared at him like he was a stranger, her lips slightly parted and her eyes wide.

She took a step back from him and raised one hand to her mouth, looking surprised, before she dropped it back down to her side. "You _kissed_ me."

Vega wasn't sure if it was an accusation or a statement of fact. Zillia didn't look pleased about it, but she didn't look horrified either. She just seemed surprised, as though she hadn't expected anything like this from him. But, James thought to himself, he'd given her no reason to expect this from him, he'd flirted, it was true, but he had behaved himself otherwise. Maybe it was time to stop behaving himself, after all if Kaidan could go after Shepard behind his back, knowing that he fancied her, then surely he it was fine for him to put his cards on the table too?

"Yeah…I did." He agreed, trying to swallow the unpleasant sense of guilt that was welling up in him at the thought of even trying to seduce Shepard when she was dating Major Alenko.

She took another step back from him, "You shouldn't have."

Another wave of guilt crept over him as he watched her slowly take yet another step back, as though worried that he would come at her again. "I didn't plan it…it's just that, well, I had to kiss you at least once, Lola." He kept his hands by his side and tried to give her his best smile, desperately wanting to lighten the mood.

Shepard sighed and some of the tension went out of her body. "James, I'm _with_ Kaidan." She said it slowly and clearly as though he didn't understand, "I do care about you…"

"Then why are you with him?" He stepped forward again and breached the distance between himself and Shepard. He wanted to reach out and touch her and hold her, but he could see how shaken up she was by the kiss. "We could be good together, I know we could. You just have to give us a go."

He couldn't control himself any more and he gently reached out and tucked a rogue lock of red hair back behind her ear, watching as she caught her breath until he pulled his hand away. James could see, deep in her eyes, that she was tempted by the idea of being with him. She hadn't been lying; she did care about him. But he could also see something like pity in her eyes and he knew, even before she spoke, that she had already made up her mind.

"Maybe James, but we're never going to find out for sure. I'm not with Kaidan on a whim, you know. I'm with him because I love him." Her face was sad as she watched his face fall as the full meaning of her words hit him.

_She loved Kaidan?_

"Love him? How can you love him when you've only just…" James slowly stopped, his mind hitting high gear as he cast his thoughts back over everything he could remember about Zillia and Kaidan.

They _had_ behaved oddly around each other from their very first meeting back on Earth. The long lingering looks they'd given each other, the awkward way they'd spoken about his promotion to Major and the way Shepard had almost fallen apart at Kaidan's near death experience on Mars. She'd taken him straight to the Citadel and had even been late for the council meeting because she was visiting him in hospital.

James could suddenly see everything in a much clearer way; he remembered the way Kaidan had snapped at her in the airlock on Mars, '_Don't 'Kaidan' me! This is business_!' The phrase took on new meaning now, it became personal and hinted that their relationship had existed beyond a business relationship once upon a time. The entire time he'd been with the Commander and the Major on Mars, Kaidan had constantly harped on about Shepard working for Cerberus and how much he didn't trust them…

"Oh God." James closed his eyes as he realised who Kaidan was. "He's the man you were involved with back on the SSV Normandy, wasn't he?"

"Yeah, he is." Shepard still looked sad as she watched him process the news, but she was clearly relieved that she wasn't going to have to break it to him.

James shook his head, partly because he couldn't believe he'd been so thick, but also because he couldn't believe Shepard was getting back together with the guy who'd ripped her heart from her chest. All that time on Earth he'd watched her silently raging and hurting and hating, and now she was going to forget it all and throw herself back into the same relationship?

"I'm sorry Shepard, but I think you're making a big mistake." He rubbed his hands over his face, trying to clear his head. "This is a guy who finds out after two years that you're alive again, and that you need his help to save the galaxy, and he walks away from you. That's not love…"

"You don't understand!" Shepard broke in, looking decidedly pale at his words; as though she'd never considered that angle. "Kaidan regrets what he did more than anything. I _was_ dead, James! Dead! When I showed up on Horizon in front of him with Cerberus he couldn't be sure I was who I said I was."

"Sorry, but if it had been me down there I would have been overjoyed to have you back in my life again. I wouldn't have judged you or rejected you! I'm no fan of Cerberus, but some things are more important than the people you work for." James spun around and paced as he spoke, his anger at Kaidan mounting. "I didn't even know you back then, but when I found out you were still alive, I was happy. I didn't like that you were with Cerberus, but I trusted that you would do the right thing." He walked back up to Shepard and came to a stop in front of her. "So you tell me, if a total stranger has more faith in you then the man who loved you, what does that say about him?"

"I don't know." Shepard had tears in her eyes when she answered him, and her skin was an even paler shade of while as the blood left her face. "I…I have to go." She turned around as she choked on a soft sob and walked away at a pace that was almost a jog.

James watched her leave with his heart in his mouth and adrenaline still pumping as he struggled not to chase after her and gather her into his arms. His words had hurt her, he knew, but he also knew that they were words that Shepard had to hear. Yes, he was selfish and did want her to leave Kaidan and decide instead to be with him, but it was more than that. He cared about her and if she was hell bent on getting back together with Alenko, well, he didn't want to see her get hurt again.

It was strange that anyone, let alone Shepard, could be so foolish as to get back together with the person that had broken their heart. But love was a funny thing, as he well knew. It was impossible to control who you fell in love with and even harder to control yourself once you were in love.

All he could do was hope that, no matter her ultimate choice was, Shepard didn't get hurt.

* * *

Zillia stood in the cold metallic hallway outside of her apartment, one hand on the entry pad as she tried to quieten her pounding heart and trembling limbs. She didn't remember anything of the journey from the Normandy to her apartment; she felt too numb and detached, as though nothing was real or solid around her. She'd spent the journey back to the apartment alternatively wondering why she hadn't slapped Vega when he'd kissed her, and reliving the times back on Earth when the lieutenant had kept the black beast of loneliness at bay.

He had taken her by surprise this afternoon in more ways than one, although in retrospect she shouldn't have been surprised at either of James' moves; the kiss or the words. In all the months she'd known him, Shepard had come to realise that James acted on emotion more often than not and rarely thought through the consequences of his actions.

She could chalk his kiss down to that; an impulse of the moment. It was what he'd said about Kaidan's behaviour on Horizon that had hit home heavily and sent her running from the docking bay. It wasn't cowardice, Shepard had reasoned on the trip back, it was that she didn't want to remember the anguish she'd felt at Kaidan's words on Horizon or how much he had mistrusted her, and she especially didn't want to remember that she'd spent months on Earth trying to crawl her way out of the black hole of misery that he'd landed her in. She'd put it behind her…or at least she thought she had.

The truth was that Kaidan _had_ hurt her; he'd broken her heart and had left her in a pool of seemingly endless despair. She'd been able to push the loneliness to the side while she'd been focusing on beating the Collectors, but once she had been back on Earth the darkness had closed in fast. In some ways it had been similar to realising she was the only one left alive on Akuze after the thresher maw attack; she'd been confused, angry and hurt all at the same time.

James had helped to ease the loneliness on Earth, but it wasn't until the Reapers had attacked and she and Kaidan had been forced back into contact that she had realised why he'd acted as he did. It had taken a near-death experience for Kaidan and many late night conversations in the Starboard Observation, but she'd finally understood that he'd been hurting just as much as she had been, maybe even more because he'd had to live with her death and blamed himself. Kaidan had mourned her for two years, and had spent much of that time wondering what he could have done differently to save her; and what might have been if she'd lived.

James didn't know Kaidan's side of the story like she did. He didn't know that her death had been devastating for Kaidan, and keeping her at a distance had been his way of protecting himself from more hurt.

Shepard gritted her teeth and determinedly shook James out of her thoughts with a literal shake of her flame red hair, not wanting that uncomfortable feeling that he stirred whenever she thought about him. She took a deep breath and opened the door to the apartment, immediately engulfed in warmth and light. She felt the knot of tension that had been building inside of her loosen as she stepped in and glanced around, feeling a smile creep across her mouth at the homey atmosphere. Kaidan had clearly been busy while she was gone and a cheery looking fire burned in the fireplace, the logs crackling softly. She could smell the equally enchanting smells of wood smoke and delicious spiced food and she made a beeline for the kitchen; following her nose.

Kaidan was standing at one of the benches with a small mountain of take away containers, he glanced over his shoulder at her and smiled as she came in, his whiskey coloured eyes as warm and welcoming as the fire. Shepard buried the lingering doubts that James had thrown at her and moved up behind Kaidan, slipping her arms around his waist and pressing against his back, peering at the food over his shoulder. It looked almost as yummy as he did in his battle uniform…

_Down girl!_

"What did you end up getting?" She asked him, not especially caring as she felt him shift his weight to press back against her. Both she and Kaidan were craving physical intimacy after the fiasco with James the night before. The incident had ruined the romantic overtones that the night had started out with and they'd ended up eating out before coming back and watched a vid, snuggling on the couch and relaxing in each others company. It had been nice, but it would have been even nicer if they'd ended the evening the way they'd started it.

"Oh, a bit of this and a bit of that." Kaidan turned around and caught her in his arms, pulling her against him as he bent his head and kissed her, his mouth hungry as it crashed against hers. The kiss went on until Shepard pulled away, her stomach rumbling loud enough that they could both hear it. "So, did James have anything to say?" Kaidan asked too-casually as he turned back around and began to dish up their dinner.

"Oh, James had a _lot_ to say. He also, uh," Zillia hesitated and leaned against the counter next to Kaidan, watching his face as she continued speaking, "…he also kissed me."

"What!?" Kaidan put food down so fast it looked like he had dropped it and spun to face her, his eyes disbelieving. "He _kissed_ you?"

Zillia nodded, unsure of how Kaidan would take James' reaction to their relationship. "Oh yeah, although first he got angry at _me_, and then angry at _you_, and then he said loved me and then something about how he should have just told me how he felt…and then he kissed me…"

"Wait, he told you he _loves_ you?" Kaidan laughed a small hysterical laugh, "Come on Shepard, _really_?"

She shrugged and took Kaidan's place at the bench, finishing dishing up their dinner as she continued speaking. "He worked out that you were the man who broke my heart on Horizon and was a little…well…angry about it." She heard Kaidan splutter behind her in disbelief, but she didn't turn around to look at him, she just kept spooning out the food.

"What? Was he angry at you or me?" He moved up beside her and she glanced at him, he looked a little more serious now, and his eyes had darkened to the colour of burnt toffee.

"Both I think, although he seemed more disappointed in me for getting back together with you." Shepard finished transferring the food from the containers to the plates and set them both to the side as turned to face him again, knowing that she probably looked as upset as she felt. Talking about James made her feel strange, almost anxious, although she didn't know why.

"What? Why?" Kaidan reached for her and pulled her closer, his hands cupping her face and smoothing her hair back when he saw tension and anxiety that were starting to show

"I guess because he doesn't think too highly of the guy who broke my heart." Shepard felt the tightness in her chest increasing and she realised that she was close to tears again, just as she had been in the docking bay when James had reminded her that Kaidan had let her down when she most needed him.

"Oh, Zi…" Kaidan saw the tears welling and pulled her into his arms, kissing her forehead and hugging her so tightly that for a second she couldn't breathe. She hugged him back and buried her face in his chest, inhaling the familiar biotic scent of ozone and Kaidan's aftershave. "I'm so sorry for what I did, and you know I love you more than the air." He was whispering the words into her hair as he squeezed her tighter, their bodies so close Zillia didn't know where his ended and hers began.

She blinked back the tears that had been welling and, with a deep steadying breath, stepped back as she felt Kaidan's arms loosen around her. "James is hurting, Kaidan. He thinks I'm headed for more pain with you and I don't think he's going to back down on this."

"Well, he'll be in for some disappointment then, won't he?" Kaidan gave her the toe-curling smile that had haunted her dreams since the first time she'd seen it on the SSR Normandy all those years ago. "I'm not losing you again Shepard. Not to James. Not to anyone. I don't care if he _can_ bench press me."

Shepard laughed and hugged Kaidan again; even though he one of the more serious people she knew, Kaidan always knew what to say to make her laugh. No matter what James said or did, it wasn't going to change how she felt about Kaidan; she loved him, it was a simple as that.

* * *

**A/N – Poor James. Please review and let me know what you think!**


	3. Shadows

_Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Mass Effect world or characters or races or anything. I'm just a lowly fangirl!_

**A/N – Thank you so much to the wonderful people who read my last chapter and the people who are following along! An especially big shout out and thank you to Jules Hawke (her ME fics are brilliant! Check them out!), crystal hainline 33, Brooksterman, geoavenger, Misstressshadow, oratorio and the lovely guests who have reviewed Burn. Your reviews were lovely to read and made me feel all warm and glowy inside – so thank you!**

* * *

Kaidan lay on the couch with Shepard sprawled lazily on top of him, her head resting on his chest as her fingers idly stroked his arm. They had stuffed themselves silly with the takeout food and were planning to head out to the Casino later, but for now they were resting and letting their food settle. Kaidan traced his long fingers lightly over Shepard's back, feeling the ridges of her battle uniform and following the seams down to the rise of her derrière.

"You and your busy hands." She purred softly, shifting slightly under his touch.

Kaidan grinned and said nothing, just squeezed her posterior a little harder, pressing her down onto him. She chuckled and snuggled closer, planting an arm on either side of him and sitting up in a push-up position so she could look down into his face. The shadow that he'd seen in her eyes earlier was gone and she looked happy again; content even. She stared down at him quietly, seeming to studying his face just as he was studying hers.

Her eyes, which he called golden, were in actuality a dark copper around the iris that faded to a golden yellow around the pupil. Wolf eyes, he told her once, and she'd laughed and told him that he'd better be careful or she'd eat him up. They suited her pale skin with its dusting of fine freckles and her bright red hair; hair that rarely saw the light of a sun and so had stayed a vibrant bloody red. Her hair and eyes matched her personality; fiery and passionate.

"I wish we didn't have to go out to the Casino," Zillia complained as she looked down at him, a small knowing smile creeping over her full lips as she felt his hands begin to move up her back and then down again. "It would be so nice to stay in."

"I don't think Garrus and Tali would appreciate being stood up, do you?" Kaidan reluctantly dragged his hands away from Shepard's body, quite aware that if he kept touching her they wouldn't make it off the couch, let alone to the casino.

Shepard grinned and sat up, straddling his waist for a moment and flashing him another knowing smile as she stretched slowly over him, ensuring her got a good look at curves through the layers of the uniform she wore. When she was done with her small show, she stood up and offered a hand to Kaidan which he took, and though he was tempted to use her hand to pull her back down, he stood up too and gave her a dirty look.

"You're a tease, Commander."

"Just you wait until later tonight, Major." She countered swiftly, her eyes twinkling as she ducked away from him and took off up the stairs to the main bedroom.

Kaidan considered following Zillia as he watched her lightly jog up the stairs, but he knew that Shepard would take far longer to get ready than he would and there _was_ another bathroom downstairs. Plus if he was in the bathroom with her there was every possibility of neither of them getting ready.

The sexual tension between them had been explosive enough as it was, but after yesterday's foreplay and almost-consummation, Kaidan felt as though he was burning up with desire; it was like something in his body had been wound tight, tighter and tighter still. Every time Shepard touched him it raised goose bumps on his skin, every time he looked at her he imagined all the things he wanted do to her and every time they kissed it was all he could do not to sweep her off her feet and carry her to the nearest bed.

It took every ounce of his self-control not to give in whenever Shepard flirted with him. She'd made it clear that she felt every bit as needy as him, but he wanted their first time together since their reconciliation to be special – not some quick tumble in the nearest bed. He wanted to take his time to explore every inch of her body and to make her feel good; he wanted to love her in every sense of the word.

It was a good thing he was great at self-control because his first instinct when Shepard had said James had kissed her had been one of extreme violence. The red rage had passed as quickly as it had come, but only because Kaidan had trained himself to control his emotional outbursts. Vyrnnus' death at Jump Zero had taught him how dangerous his outbursts could be if he didn't have absolute control. Even still, it had been a long time since he'd come so close to losing his temper.

Kaidan went to the smaller downstairs bathroom and took a fast shower. He quickly shaved, a futile act since he almost perpetually seemed to have a five o'clock shadow, and splashed himself with aftershave. Reluctantly, he put on a pair of black slacks and a button up black shirt. He hated wearing civilian clothing, preferring to wear his battle uniform or dress uniform, but sometimes Kaidan made exceptions and tonight was one of those nights.

He loitered in the bathroom and glanced at himself in the mirror once he had finished getting ready, wondering how he compared to James in Shepard's eyes. He didn't know James' exact age, but guessed he was possibly close to ten years older than the lieutenant. It was hard to tell though, James _looked_ like he was in his late twenties but his behaviour made Kaidan slide his age down to the mid-twenties or lower. Kaidan knew he tended to be a little introverted and controlled, an effect of his biotic training as a teen, whereas James was almost his polar opposite; loud and opinionated – acting on instinct rather than logic.

Physically Kaidan knew he didn't compare all that well to James, at least not in terms of strength and size as the younger man dwarfed him. Kaidan worked out and was happy with how he looked, but James seemed to spend all of his free time doing weight training and it showed in his ridiculously over-muscled frame. Plus he'd been tapped to guard Shepard on Earth, which meant he was also physically capable and very good at his job.

Kaidan tried not to think about what might have happened on Earth during those months when James and Shepard had been spending all that time together. Not that he thought anything _had_ happened, but clearly they'd been close – especially if James had managed to fall in love with her.

Kaidan saw his jaw clench in the mirror at that thought and he forced himself to relax. Getting angry at James for falling on love with Shepard was futile; it wouldn't change anything and he quite understood why Vega had fallen for her. _He_ could remember what it was like when he had first met Shepard on the Normandy; he'd been attracted to her instantly and as they had spent time together he'd soon fallen head over heels in love with her.

He'd never told Shepard he'd loved her back in those days and it had been one of the sharpest regrets he'd had after she had died. He'd be damned if he didn't make sure he told her at least once a day for the rest of their lives, however long that might be.

"Are you ready, Alenko?" Shepard called, sounding strangely eager to be off.

Kaidan ran a quick hand through his hair, which always seemed to stick straight up no matter what he did, and made his way back towards the front door where he could see Shepard waiting. He felt his heartbeat speed up as he caught site of the dress she was wearing and his mouth instantly went dry.

She looked incredible.

The azure halter neck dress covered her like a second skin, hugging her curves in a way that made Kaidan envious, before flaring halfway down her thighs where a long slit showed tantalising glimpses of her long creamy legs. The dress was edged in a slightly darker shade of blue, which also framed an oval cut-out on her chest which showed the tops of her breasts and a nice spread of skin. He let his eyes linger there for a moment, before he let them wonder up the column of her neck to her face. Her hair was up in an artfully messy style that looked both sexy and sophisticated, and her makeup was understated and elegant.

"You look amazing." It was all he could think of to say, but he was sure his eyes and the look on his face said enough. He'd always found her attractive in whatever she wore – uniform, armour or sexy short dresses – but he'd never seen her in a dress like this and it suited her in a way that was quite unexpected.

He reached out and gently traced the oval cut out around her chest and then gently laid his hands on either side of her waist, fighting the urge to haul her into his arms and kiss her senseless. Shepard's eyes, when he looked down into them, were molten pools of fire and he very carefully, so as not to rub off any of her lipstick, kissed her; an almost chaste press of his lips onto hers.

"It's for you, you know." She whispered as he pulled away, her eyes dancing with fire and heat.

Kaidan pulled her to him, holding her gently, as though she was something fragile and delicate and not the brutal warrior that she was. Time seemed to slow down and the world narrowed until it was just them, Shepard and Kaidan, alone in the room and lost in the moment. The rest of the world and the Reaper threat could have vanished for all they knew – there was only them.

"We're never going to get to the Casino at this rate." He commented in the silence and Shepard chuckled sheepishly as the moment was lost.

"I can change if you like…" She said airily as she pulled away, clearly having no intention to do so, but Kaidan played along.

"No, that's okay. I'll behave myself." He made a show of pulling the door open and waving her through, then planted one hand firmly on her ass as he followed her out the door, Shepard's laughter music to his ears.

* * *

The evening at the Casino had gone well to start with and Garrus and Tali, who Kaidan thought were possibly the cutest inter-species couple he'd ever laid eyes on, had been great company. The two of them had been happy to hear that Kaidan and Shepard were together again; both of them being among the few people who had known about their relationship on the original Normandy. Kaidan did think that Garrus was slightly surprised at the news, but it could have been paranoia on his part as Garrus had been on Horizon when he'd turned his back on Shepard and said those hurtful things.

Throughout the evening, Kaidan couldn't help but notice that Tali was drinking almost twice as much as the rest of them, and as the night drew on and Tali got progressively drunker and drunker, Kaidan began to wonder if the Quarian had a drinking problem. She seemed a happy enough drunk, burbling away to Shepard about the Normandy's engines and some plans she had to get them running even more efficiently, but Kaidan noticed that Garrus watched her carefully.

Finally, when Tali began hiccupping and slurring her speech, Garrus announced it was time for them to get going and ushered a protesting Tali to her feet. The Quarian could barely stand by now and wobbled unsteadily as Garrus said something quietly to Shepard before putting an arm around Tali's waist and leading her out of the Casino at a slow and careful pace. It was obvious that Garrus and Tali were very much in love, but it was also clear that the older Turian was the more sensible of the two in the relationship and that Tali was either going through a late partying phase or liked drinking a little _too_ much.

Shepard was smiling slightly as she watched them leave, "Garrus is a little worried about Tali getting so drunk." She confided to Kaidan as the Turian-Quarian duo vanished from view. "He's concerned she's going to end up tearing her suit and getting an infection. Apparently she's had a few close calls with getting it hooked on things in the hotel they're staying at."

"Sounds stressful." Kaidan turned his attention back to Shepard, who was still looking like a goddess that had descended to mingle with mortals.

"Oh, I don't think she gets drunk that often, but it's a concern when you're as physically vulnerable as she is." Shepard swirled the rest of her wine in her glass and drained it. Kaidan wasn't sure how much Shepard had had to drink, but she seemed relaxed and pleasantly tipsy. He'd had a few glasses of beer himself, but aside from being slightly light headed he was feeling fine.

He was on the verge of suggesting that they follow Tali and Garrus' cue and leave when a friendly shout interrupted him.

"Hey! Shepard!"

Kaidan glanced up at the yell to see a man who seemed vaguely familiar waving at them from the bar, and with a sinking feeling in his gut he recognised Cortez and James sitting alongside him. Next to him Shepard waved back and stood up, tugging at him to stand up beside her as she grinned broadly at the man.

"I didn't know Jacob was still here! Let's go say hi." She glanced up at him expectantly, accustomed to having Kaidan go along with whatever she wanted, and surprised when he looked at her reluctantly. "Jacob's great, Kaidan. I know you didn't really get a chance to speak to him when we got his people off Gellix, but he helped keep me alive during the fight against the Collectors."

"Maybe Shepard, but he's with James." He nodded in the direction of Vega, who hadn't seen them yet but soon would. He was sitting almost slumped at the bar with a bottle of beer in one hand, Cortez talking animatedly next to him and gesticulating wildly.

"So what? We can't avoid him forever." Shepard didn't look quite as certain she sounded, but she was determined and pressed on. "Anyway, its best he gets used to seeing out together, right?"

Kaidan decided Shepard had had more to drink than he had realised, because he was sure that her logic was slightly skewed on this point. The last thing James needed right now was a reminder that the woman he thought he was in love with was with another man, and a friend at that. But Shepard was already walking towards her friend Jacob, and Kaidan had no choice but to follow along, definitely not wanting to leave Shepard alone in the Casino tonight.

Especially not in _that_ dress.

* * *

James sat slumped at the bar, slowly drinking his sixth, or possible seventh, beer and wallowing in self-pity. Cortez had convinced him to come out for a drink, intent on cheering him up, and once at the Casino they had chanced upon Jacob, who had been out for a night on his own. They'd started talking after Jacob had heard them mention Shepard and introduced himself - it turned out he had served on the Normandy when Shepard had been working with Cerberus. Normally, James would have been keen to have heard about their adventures on the Normandy, but he'd just felt himself growing more and more resentful as the night had drawn on.

Cortez was excitedly talking about some mission he had flown on years ago, but he had long since stopped listening and instead was staring at the bottle in his hands as if it was the world most exciting object. His thoughts were a million miles away though. He couldn't stop thinking about Shepard; had he done the right thing in the docking bay? Was she going to throw him off the ship for kissing him? His stomach churned every time he thought about the look in her eyes when he'd asked her for a chance; for an instant she'd been tempted, he _knew_ she had.

If only he'd made his moved before Kaidan had…

"Hey! Shepard!"

He heard Jacob's shout, but for a few seconds the words didn't register with him, he was so busy thinking about Shepard that hearing her name seemed perfectly normal. Then, through the seemingly endless stream of words from Cortez, he felt is brain click and he realised that Jacob had been shouting to _someone_ in the room. He slowly swung around in his chair and looked across the bar and the dance floor to where restaurant section of the casino was.

When he saw Shepard he almost dropped the bottle in his hand; she looked so exquisitely beautiful it was almost painful to look at her. He knew he was staring but he couldn't help it as his eyes roved down her body to the long strip of leg that flashed every time she took a step, to her small firm waist that the dress clung to seductively, to the cut out panel that framed the rounded curves of the tops of her breasts. Her hair was swept up into a casual hairstyle, but loose tendrils had broken free and floated around her face.

She was walking towards them with a smile on her face; a grin that aimed exclusively at Jacob. James felt himself willing her to look at him too, he wanted her to see him, for their eyes to meet so she could see what he was feeling at the moment, but she stubbornly kept her eyes on Jacob. As she neared them his eyes moved next to her and he finally noticed that she wasn't alone and as he watched the man beside her slid a hand around her waist and leaned close to murmur something in her ear, which broadened her smile.

He felt something inside of him twist painfully at the sight of Kaidan's hand so casually on her waist and he glanced up to see the biotic looking at him, but instead of looking smug as James had expected, his brown eyes could have been a mirror for his own. Kaidan looked wary and although he had a slight smile on his face it certainly didn't reach his eyes. James felt that squirm of guilt in his stomach as Kaidan held his gaze for a long moment, the look was intensely personal.

It was obvious that Shepard had told him about what had happened in the docking bay and Kaidan wasn't happy about it. His look wasn't threatening, if anything he looked deeply uncomfortable, but there was a slight challenge in his eyes. James broke eye contact first, looking away and hating that he was feeling like this when it was Kaidan who should have been feeling ashamed.

James looked back at the bottle of beer and took a few mouthfuls from it, feeling even unhappier than he had been earlier. He sneaked another quick look at Shepard, who looked even more beautiful in her dress than he ever would have dreamed, but then made himself look away again. Cortez had finally stopped talking next to him and James felt his hand on his shoulder as he saw Shepard and Kaidan walking towards them.

"Are they…together?" Cortez dropped into the seat next to him and glanced at James. He was the other person on the Normandy who knew how he felt about Shepard. They spent so much time together on the ship that Cortez had been the first person to realise that James had more than just a crush on Shepard. He'd encouraged him to do something about it, but, as James had so often lamented lately, he'd never managed to get up the courage to ask her out.

"Yup." James put the empty bottle down on the counter and signalled the bartender for another.

"I'm sorry, man." Cortez's hand tightened on his shoulder. "You wanna talk about it?"

James shook his head, "No."

"Fair enough." Cortez handed him a new beer and turned to face Shepard and Kaidan as they came closer, watching as Shepard shook Jacob's hand and then hugged him. Kaidan hovered for a second and then reluctantly drifted closer to Cortez and James, nodding at James briefly and greeting Cortez more warmly.

"Major, I haven't seen you around much in the last few days." Cortez shook Kaidan's hand and made room for him at the bar.

"I've been relaxing." Kaidan glanced back at Shepard, but she and Jacob were talking excitedly about something. He turned his attention back to Cortez and James, "I haven't had any down time in a while."

"I bet." Cortez continued on without battering and eyelid, "Say, I didn't know you and the Commander were dating." The pilot grinned as Kaidan looked taken about at his directness. "I thought I knew all the gossip on the ship, but I have no idea about this."

"Yeah, we decided to patch things up." Kaidan didn't elaborate, and instead turned to the bar and signalled to the bar tender that he'd have the same as Cortez and James.

"Oh, you and the Commander used to be together?" The Cortez sounded genuinely surprised and James felt himself scowl as Kaidan turned back and nodded.

"A few years ago."

Again, Kaidan didn't go into details but Cortez wasn't an idiot and nodded, knowing the story of Shepard's death and resurrection thanks to Cerberus. When Kaidan turned back to get his drink, James saw Cortez glance at him quickly and hated the sympathy in his eyes. He determinedly looked away and inadvertently met Kaidan's eyes as the Major turned back from the bar. For a second James felt himself pinned under the weight of the look, but he forced himself to shake it off and take a sip of his drink, determined not to be intimidated

The silence between the three of them quickly became awkward and contrasted sharply with Shepard and Jacob, who were in a world of their own and laughing about something related to a mission they'd once gone on for Cerberus. James let his gaze wander over Shepard again, hating how his eyes were drawn to her against his will. She looked so happy, leaning against the bar with a brilliant smile on her face, a different person who he had chased out of the docking bay yesterday.

"Well, this is fun." Cortez sounded slightly amused and slightly exasperated. "I think you two need to get everything off your chest while Shepard is distracted by Jacob. Just say whatever it is you want to say."

James looked back at Cortez and frowned, "I'm all good, man. There isn't much to say, anyway."

Kaidan crossed his arms over his chest and threw a mildly annoyed look at James. "So long as Vega can keep himself from kissing Shepard again, I don't have anything to say."

James felt anger and shame sprout within him as Cortez threw him a surprised look. He put his drink down, his lip curling slightly as he looked at Kaidan with barely contained anger. "You know, you fucking _knew_ I was going to ask her out. You could have at least warned me you were planning on doing the same instead of playing dumb and sneaking around behind my back."

"I knew you thought she was _hot_, but that was all. You kept talking about asking her out, but you never did." Kaidan looked annoyed and a muscle contracted in the side of his cheek, "I didn't deliberately try to deceive you. God, I didn't even ask her out or go chasing after her. Shepard and I just…clicked, and we decided to give it another try. It just _happened_, James."

"You _clicked_?" James kept his voice low, but Cortez looked alarmed at the fury in his voice. "Is that what you call tossing her to the side on Horizon like she was nothing? You treated her like she was worthless! You hurt her worse than anyone ever had! You don't deserve her…"

"Guys…" Cortez tried to interrupt them but Kaidan cut him off angrily.

"You don't know anything." Kaidan hissed at James, his voice equally low but his body language rapidly becoming aggressive as James laid into him. "You have _no_ idea what happened on the day Shepard died and what I went through. You don't know anything about how I felt on Horizon or what I said!" He put his beer down. "You're just jealous."

"Jealous!" James stood up and felt himself squaring at up Kaidan, forgetting that the Major was his superior and a Spectre. Cortez hovered slightly between them, not wanting to let things get out of hand, but not wanting to draw attention to them by breaking them up if nothing was happening.

"Yes, jealous." Kaidan visibly drew in a deep breath and seemed to gather his anger back into himself with a force of will that was noticeable. "You keep acting like I did this deliberately to hurt you, but Shepard came back to me. It was her choice to give us another go. I'm sorry you feel hard done by, but _get over it_." He shook his head at James, as though dealing with a frustrating child and then turned and moved the few metres over to where Shepard stood with Jacob, joining in their conversation as though nothing had just happened.

James felt like the floor vanished out from under him at Kaidan's words and he watched him move away, feeling like a puppet with its strings cut, unable to think of a thing to say in return. Shepard had gone back to him? Why? _Why?_ For the last few days he'd envisioned Kaidan romancing Shepard and talking her into giving them another try, but the situation Kaidan had angrily painted had been vastly different.

Alenko was right, James realised with a growing sense of misery; he really didn't know enough about what had happened between Shepard and Kaidan. He knew Shepard had been broken hearted on Earth and he knew it had been Kaidan's fault, but Shepard had never given him any details other than the fact that Kaidan hadn't trusted her involvement with Cerberus. Given Cerberus' current track record, it seemed his mistrust of the organisation had been well placed so James couldn't even fault him for that.

But Kaidan _had_ hurt Shepard.

He clenched his hands into fists and watched as Kaidan slid his arm around Shepard's waist and leaned close to whisper something to her. James forced himself to look away again, he wasn't going to watch anymore. No matter what Kaidan said, he still couldn't help but feel that Shepard had been needlessly hurt back on Horizon by Kaidan's actions and he didn't want to see her hurt again. He would find a way to make her see that Kaidan was a mistake and that _he_ was the better man.

* * *

**A/N – I'm super tired, so apologies if there are any really silly typos! The next chapter will probably have some sexiness…I think Kaidan and Shepard might ignite if they don't get it on soon. (Poor James!)  
**

**I hope everyone is enjoying reading this – please review! **


	4. Love

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect or its universe._

**A/N – Again, thank you so much to the people who reviewed. I'm juggling a lot at the moment; a busy period at work and trying to finish some works in other fandoms…so apologies if this didn't come out as soon as I would have liked.**

* * *

Zillia opened the door to the apartment and followed Kaidan in, aware by his stiffened spine and the faint frown lines around his eyes that he was still angry about whatever had happened at the Casino between himself and James. She closed the door softly behind them and watched as took a few steps into the room before swinging around to face her, his bad mood written all over his face.

"You _have_ to talk to James." He bit out, tension flowing from in waves. "I came this close to hitting him, Shepard. This close." He held up a hand with a finger and thumb held a miniscule distance apart.

"What happened?" She came towards him and took his hand, his arm was tense and resistant as she tried to pull him towards her, "Talk to me." She urged softly.

Kaidan done a great job of faking a good mood when he'd come over to talk to her and Jacob; He'd been all smiles and small talk. It had only been when they'd finally left the casino and she'd tried to take his hand that she'd felt that radiating tension coming from him, and had realised he was deeply unhappy about something. She guessed that something had happened with James, but he'd barely said a word to her the entire walk home, so she wasn't sure _what_ had happened.

"He basically accused me of stealing you from him, like I was sneaking around with you behind his back." Kaidan sounded exasperated, and his brown eyes were simmering with emotion as he let her pull him reluctantly towards her, the tension still not leaving his body.

Shepard felt a sharp little pang of guilt for dragging Kaidan over to Jacob, Cortez and James…but she didn't want to avoid her friends and comrades just because James and Kaidan weren't seeing eye to eye. But, clearly she _was_ going to have to talk to James if he was still needling Kaidan about her. After the docking bay she'd hoped that James had got the message that she was seeing Kaidan seriously, and that any hope he was nursing was futile, but obviously he hadn't.

"You know that's not true." She told Kaidan, "There was never anything between James and I. Well, other than some harmless flirting…" As she spoke she could tell, from his expression, that flirting wasn't the problem and she let her sentence drift off unfinished. There was something else that was bothering him and driving this foul mood. "Kaidan, what's really bothering you?"

"Did you _have_ to tell him about Horizon?" Kaidan's voice was raw with emotion and he broke eye-contact and looked down. "The things he said had to have come from you…"

Shepard took a deep breath and squeezed Kaidan's hand, hating that they were having to go over this same ground again. They'd talked about this so many times that Zillia was loathe to even touch the subject of Horizon. She had been in so much pain on Earth and James had been the only person she could talk to about it. She'd _hated_ Kaidan for what he'd done. She'd raged, she'd cried and she'd let James see how bitterly resentful she was about how she'd been treated.

"I was upset, Kaidan. You know that. We've talked about it." She moved to him instead and wrapped her arms around his stiff and resisting form. She could almost feel him struggling to put his anger to the side, but James had obviously said something that hit a nerve. "Everything I said to James on Earth, and I _never_ said much, was just because I was hurting."

Kaidan looked up at her again, his normally serious brown eyes laced with something like regret; "I never meant to hurt you, Shepard, and I want to move on from what happened…"

"I know, me too." She took his face in her hands and kissed him, a long and slow kiss that sizzled through her blood and hopefully did the same for him. She felt some of the tension leave his body and one of his hands came up to rest on her waist, the pressure enough that she knew she was reaching him. Zillia ended the kiss and gave him a smile, "I'm sorry that James brought it up, but he doesn't really know you, Kaidan. He doesn't know what really happened between us."

Kaidan laughed huskily and the rest of the tension left him, "That's almost exactly what _I_ told him."

"Well, it's true, and besides," Zillia gave Kaidan her best suggestive smile and pressed herself against him, able to feel the strength and warmth of his body against hers through the thin material of her dress, "I'm a big girl and I know what I want."

"And what _do_ you want, Commander?"

"You, Major." She kissed him again and slid her hands down his back to grab his ass, a devilish smile creeping across her face. "_Now_."

"Yes, ma'am." Kaidan gave her a slow cocky smile, a look she had sorely missed, and his mouth crashed back onto hers, hungry and hot.

They made their way from the door to the bedroom with slow and halting process, stopping every few metres as they kissed or touched or pulled one another into an embrace, both of them loathe to break contact. The stairs presented an easy solution though, as Kaidan simply scooped her into his arms and Zillia wrapped hers around his neck, content to bury her face in the crook of his neck and press kisses along his jawbone.

She felt as though her blood was fizzing in her veins as they finally reached the bedroom and Kaidan dropped her unceremoniously on the bed, chuckling at her outraged cry. He quickly dropped down on top of her, trapping her between his muscled arms as his mouth found hers again. The feel of his body on top of hers, the weight of him and the hardness of his leg as his slid a knee between her thighs, almost undid her and she groaned softly, arching her back to press herself more securely against him.

Their hands tangled together as each tried to undress the other in the tight space between their bodies, and laughing, Kaidan pulled back from her and sat up. He changed his position so he was straddling her, and grinned down, determinedly pulling her hands away and pressing them down next to her on the bed, silently challenging he to keep her hands out of the way. The stress lines around his eyes were completely gone and they had been replaced by a sexy knowing darkness that made her mouth run dry.

He ran his hands down her body, cupping her breasts and then tracing the peek-a-boo panel of her dress before he slid them lower. The warmth of his hands on her belly made her squirm and whimper in anticipation, and when he lightly ran fingers over the sensitive skin where her legs joined her body, not quite dipping them between her legs, she openly moaned in disappointment and he chuckled again. The flimsy material of her dress made his touches torturously delicate, and sent shivers up her spine.

"Kaidan…" She moaned, her back arching again as he trailed his hands down her legs, deliberately bypassing the place her knew she desperately wanted him to touch her.

Kaidan brought his hands back up, one arm sliding around her waist and one behind her shoulders as he pulled her up into a sitting position against him, pressing his lips against hers again as one of his hands found the catch and zip at the back of her dress and pulled it down. Shepard felt a great sizzle of desperate burning desire as he slid the dress down her shoulders and saw for himself that the dress had built in support and she wasn't wearing a bra. The cool air brushed against her burning skin softly and raised goose bumps, her nipples tightening from both the cold and the look of yearning on Kaidan's face.

He lay her gently back on the bed and bent his head to kiss along her collar bone and in the valley between her breasts; his lips warm against her skin. Shepard wanted to cry out as he moved lower and kissed a fiery trail down her body, his hands holding her waist to keep her still as she writhed against him. The feel of him dipping his tongue into her navel and then running it lower to the point where her dress still sat on her hips made her twist her hands in the sheets to stop herself from physically grabbing him.

This was the best kind of torture; the kind of delicious torture that made her nerve endings sing with fiery anticipation. She _needed_ Kaidan's touch like a drug and her heart hammered harder in her chest with each passing second that he kept up his slow seduction of her self. If he'd stopped, she felt sure she would have died.

He moved back to her breasts, his whiskey coloured eyes dark with concentration as he maintained control despite her wildness. Shepard arched her back desperately, muscles taunt, as his mouth found a breast, and his teeth lightly grazed a nipple. His tongue swirled hotly around the sensitive tip and Zillia let her head drop back, mindless with pleasure. When he moved his attention to the other breast and it was almost too much and she felt her body tremble as she clutched the sheets beneath her, fighting to win this silent battle of wills.

She felt his hands sliding down her hips, catching her dress in his fingers as he peeled it down over her thighs and down her legs. He kissed his way back up her body, pausing above her belly to roll his eyes up to look at her, gazing at her like a great jungle cat with his deep brown eyes and jet black hair.

"You're not wearing any underwear, Shepard."

"I told you," She spoke breathlessly, her voice hitching as he started back down her body, setting himself between her legs and kissing her inner thighs, "I dressed for you, Kaidan."

She heard him murmur an approval as he finally moved to that place between her thighs and lowered his head to her honeyed core, his tongue delving into the folds of her womanhood. She whimpered, she writhed and she was sure her nails tore holes in the sheets as she felt desire, razor sharp, lance through her. As Kaidan circled his tongue around the sensitive nub at the apex of her thighs it became too much and she felt her pleasure rapidly reaching a place where she knew she couldn't come back from; she was on fire, burning, and she needed him desperately!

"Kaidan!" She cried out, breaking first as she reached down to grab fistfuls of his hair, dragging him away from her and back up her body. Hungrily, she sealed her mouth to his, tasting herself on his lips, as she urgently pushed her body against his. Wanting him. Needing him. Her hands frantically tugged at his shirt and when she encountered the first frustrating fastening she let out a growl and simply ripped it open in a spray of buttons. She tugged at it helplessly; peeling the shirt off seemed like too much work, especially when Kaidan's hands were busy taking off his pants.

Shepard traced her nails over his chest and abs, loving how the muscles contracted under her touch. His skin was feverishly hot under her finger tips too, and when Kaidan finally managed to get his pants off she relished dragging his ruined shirt off his arms and hurling it away. She crawled onto Kaidan as he came down on the bed beside her, his breath coming fast as his hands swept down her body and squeezed her backside, pulling her into contact with his already rock hard member.

"Shepard, I love you so much." His voice was rough with desire and his eyes were aflame with his feelings. As he kissed her, Shepard knew this was where she wanted to stay for the rest of her life; Kaidan felt like home.

"I love you too." She told him, pressing her lips against his as she slowly lowered herself onto him, using her hand to guide him into her slick warmth.

Shepard moaned softly at the feeling of him stretching and filling her, his hands on her hips helping to lower her down. Under her, Kaidan's chest heaved and his eyes were half-closed in ecstasy. He watched her with fevered toffee coloured eyes that seemed to drink her in. She rested her hands on his shoulders as she began to move over him, small frissons of excitement sparking through her body from head to toe. It was better than heaven to have him inside of her and Shepard wondered how she'd managed to forget how amazing he was.

He reached up and pulled Shepard down into another passionate kiss, then deftly flipped her over so she was under him, driving himself even deeper into her core as she moaned and wrapped her legs around his waist. The move was so fast and smooth that Shepard was immediately suspicious he'd used biotics, but it seemed like too much effort to open her eyes and see if he was surrounded by the tell-tale blue glow. She wanted to coil herself around him like a big snake and never let him go; he felt so good as he thrust slowly inside of her, each movement driving soft sounds from her mouth.

His hands found hers and clasped them firmly, their fingers intertwining like a jigsaw puzzle, fitting together as snugly as their bodies did. She gritted her teeth as his chin scraped softly along her neck and jawline, the stubble rough against her smooth skin and sending exquisite shivers up her spine. As Kaidan moved faster above her, driving himself in soul-shatteringly deep, it was as though there was a thin wire inside of her that grew tighter and tighter. Or as though she was walking on a razor, every fibre of her being balancing on the edge – so close to tipping over and letting herself plunge into ecstasy, but wanting to hold out for as long as she could.

"Shepard…" Kaidan cried out as panted above her, his mouth finding hers as he groaned helplessly.

She felt that wire inside of her tighten further and snap at the sound of her name on his lips, and whimpering, she felt herself fall from the razor's edge as wave after wave of red hot pleasure engulfed her. Her body shuddered and she felt her legs tighten around Kaidan, unable to control herself as she writhed in pleasure, calling his name just as he had called hers. The pleasure was almost too much; almost more than two people could take.

When the earth had finally stopped moving around them, and the fireworks in her body had stopped exploding, Shepard wrapped arms around Kaidan and held him, feeling his heart thundering in his chest against hers. She opened her eyes to find that there were spots in her vision and, her head falling back to the pillow, she drew in a shuddering breath, letting herself relax and breathe deeply. Her body was thrumming pleasantly and when she opened her eyes again, she realised the spots were from the blue biotic flare that was still burning around Kaidan and herself; both of them having let go completely during their tryst.

Kaidan let himself fall to one side of her, his breathing still ragged and his body covered with a faint sheen of sweat. When she turned to face him he gave her a sated grin, his eyes twinkling and reflecting the blue glow of his biotic light. One hand swept down her body, gently and lovingly, his fingers light as he traced patterns on her back. She could feel his skin humming against hers too.

"That was amazing."

Shepard wasn't sure which of them had spoken, it felt as though they were completely in synch; their hearts, their minds and their bodies. She smiled and moved closer to him, resting her head on his chest and letting sleep slowly take her.

She could stay like this forever.

* * *

Kaidan lay with Zillia's head nestled on his chest, she sighed happily and closed her eyes, her breathing slow and even as her body relaxed and she drifted off to sleep. He looked up at her ceiling, the mood lighting casting shadows across the room and the sound of skycars a distant humming soundtrack that barely permeated the room. He gently ran a hand through Shepard's hair, loving the silky texture and the faintly perfumed smell of it. He'd always been a tactile man, and Shepard's body was a treasure trove of sensations: hard and soft, rough and smooth, curves and lines.

How had he lucked out and wound up with such an amazing woman? Not only was Shepard one of the most incredible soldiers in the galaxy, but she was charismatic, beautiful and sexy. It was like winning the lotto, or in his case it was like winning the lotto twice over. When he'd lost Shepard the first time he'd thought his life was over. Finding she was gone and had died alone in space had been like having his heart ripped from his chest. He'd had nightmares for weeks, seeing her face twisted in fear and hearing her cries for help in his dreams night after night.

He'd seen multiple doctors and therapists and had, for a while, resorted to taking sedatives to get to sleep at night. For almost two years he'd slowly put himself back together until he'd been able to go out without seeing Shepard's face in the faces of every red headed women he talked to, and until he'd been able to chat with people without hearing Shepard's voice. But then he'd started hearing whispers that Shepard was alive and rumours that she was working for Cerberus. He started double guessing what had happened, and had started wondering what kind of person Shepard really was and if they'd really had something special like he'd thought.

When he'd finally seen her again on Horizon he'd been so angry he hadn't been able to muster enough self-control to stop himself from saying everything he'd been feeling; that she'd abandoned him deliberately, that she'd used him and walked away without a care. He hadn't listened to anything she'd said to him, he'd simply been angry at her and angry that he'd suffered through two years of his life for seemingly no reason. He'd wanted to hurt her like she'd hurt him and when he'd walked away, so full of rage and pain he thought he would burst, he'd been glad at the gutted look in her eyes.

It had been later, when it was too late to take it back, that the gutted look in her eyes had started to haunt him and he'd replayed their conversation and what she'd said to him; she'd _been_ dead and Cerberus had brought her back. She wasn't a part of Cerberus, she was just using their resources to stop the Collectors. She wanted _him_ to come back with _her_…

He'd begun regretting what he'd said and done almost immediately. He'd sent her a message to try and explain himself but he'd known deep down it too late and he'd gone too far – the hurt look in her eyes had haunted him night after night. He hadn't been surprised when Shepard hadn't replied to his message.

When the whole mess with the Batarian system had happened and she'd come back to Earth to be put on trial, he'd wanted to come back and see her. He'd known how alone she would have been feeling and he'd wanted to see her again…but he hadn't been able to bring himself to do it. He'd been too ashamed of what he'd said on Horizon and too worried about what he'd see in her eyes when he finally saw her.

Seeing Zillia on the day the Reapers had invaded, with Anderson outside the Defence Committee briefing room, had taken him by surprise. He'd been tongue tied; it had felt as though someone had kicked him in the guts as soon as he'd seen her brilliant red hair and realised it was her. Then when she'd turned and come closer, looking stressed and worried, and he'd seen _that look_ in her eyes he'd almost crumbled right there. It had been in her eyes plain as day; she didn't hate him. She was hurting every bit as much as he was.

Kaidan tightened his arms around her sleeping form, silently promising that he'd make sure he never saw that look in her eyes again. He'd loved Shepard almost from the first moment he'd seen her, and he couldn't imagine the rest of his life without her in it. It was a miracle that she'd forgiven him and taken him back, and having Shepard back in his arms meant everything to him.

Tonight may have started out a little rocky with James driving him up the wall at the Casino, but it had ended up exactly as Kaidan had dreamed. The sex had been climatic in every sense of the word, and Shepard been so wild that she'd nearly pushed him over the edge several times. But he'd kept control of himself; determined to make the night perfect and unforgettable for both of them, and it had been, but it was more than that. They loved each other and now they both knew it.

Zillia shifted slightly against him, sighing sleepily and tightening an arm around him as she pressed her lips to his neck. Kaidan dropped a kiss on the top of her head and closed his eyes, feeling for the first time in years that everything was okay again. As sleep began to take him, Kaidan thought briefly of James and, despite how antagonistic the young man had been earlier on, he felt slightly sorry for him; James would never know this.

* * *

**A/N – See? Sexy times! ****We'll get some more James in the next chapter :) Reviews are always loved and appreciated!**  



	5. Night

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect or the worlds or characters!_

**A/N – I should be updating my other fandom fics...but I don't feel like it. I have this fic on my mind and I'm loving writing it at the moment! Thank you to those people who have reviewed and given me some great opinions and feedback. Oh, I have taken timeline liberties in this chapter. Also, we get more James. Lots of James. Vegalicious.**

* * *

James looked out the window of the skycar and tried not to impatiently jiggle his legs; a nervous habit that even the Alliance hadn't been able to break. Although, he reasoned, he had a lot to be nervous about. After the confrontation with Major Alenko at the casino last night, he'd seriously thought that when he'd messaged Shepard to ask if he could see her, that she would tell him to take a hike. Amazingly though, she'd sent back a message inviting him around and here he was, as nervous as a school boy about to go on a first date.

Not that this was a date, but maybe, if he played his cards right, he could get Shepard to see that Alenko wasn't worth her time and that she had a much finer specimen of the human male right here in him. It was a gamble to be so blatant with his attempts to convince Shepard to break up with Kaidan, but treading carefully hadn't worked for him so far and he had the feeling that if Alenko and Shepard got any traction in their relationship she wouldn't look twice at him again. He wasn't willing to risk that, Shepard was too important to him and he'd had her back for too long to stop now.

He still couldn't believe that Shepard was the one who had gone back to Kaidan, especially since he'd turned his back on her when she needed him. On Earth, James had had a front row view of exactly how torn up Shepard had been because of Kaidan's behaviour. Oh, she'd hidden it well _most_ of the time, but every now and again she'd let out a few bitter comments about men, and then of course there was _The Night_.

James always thought of _The Night_ with capitals letters because what had happened that night had changed everything for him. It was when he'd first seen the emotional woman under the tough-but-firm soldier mask she wore, and the reason he'd first started entertaining serious romantic thoughts about Shepard. Granted his initial thoughts had been mostly about sex, but over the months as he'd seen how hard she'd fought to protect the Earth, and had learned more about her, he'd grown to love her. Unfortunately, _The Night_ for Shepard was a half-forgotten blur that she remembered very differently to him, and James was loathe to tell her the truth about what happened.

He couldn't remember if Shepard had been under house arrest in the Alliance facility for a couple of weeks or over a month when she'd finally snapped under the pressure. The days before it he'd seen what he now recognised as signs that Shepard was under stress; she'd become withdrawn and had buried herself in work, which at the time was preparing for her hearing with Defence Committee. She'd stopped joking around with James and the rest of the guard detail and had spent more and more time alone in her room, giving frosty one word replies if James asked her questions or tried to interact with her.

In retrospect, he supposed he was pretty stupid not to have realised that the closer the anniversary date of the first Normandy's destruction came, the angrier and more withdrawn Shepard grew.

The day of _The Night_ was the anniversary of the Normandy's destruction and Shepard hadn't come out of her room all morning, nor had she replied when James had knocked on her door and called out. He hadn't been worried at first, and had assumed she was sleeping late. But as the day wore on and she still didn't emerge, he started having visions of her hurting herself, or worse, and after waiting a little longer and knocking again he'd made himself go to find out what she was doing.

Thankfully Shepard hadn't been dead, hurt or even sleeping; she had been standing quietly by the window and ignoring him. He'd felt like an idiot bursting in with visions of her lying in a tub with her wrists cut playing through his mind, and had felt even worse when she'd turned to face him and he realised she'd clearly been crying. There had been something in her eyes which was so incredibly lost, and in that moment he'd finally seen beneath the visage of the hardened solider and had seen Zillia the woman. He'd wanted to hold her and assure her that everything would be alright, but instead he'd just stammered out an apology and left the room. He didn't trust himself to say the right thing and not upset her more, especially when it was blatantly obvious that her problems with the Alliance were only going to get worse.

He should have left it there and not gone back in, but when he'd heard something smash later that evening followed by a slightly hysterical laugh, he'd knocked on the door and entered again. Shepard had been a mess; drunk, dishevelled and almost hysterical. He still had a vision of her burnt in his head like that – standing with her back to the window and facing him with a half empty bottle of whisky in one hand and an empty broken bottle lying shattered on the floor against the wall.

His memory of what had happened next was crystal clear and, like most of the memories he most wanted to consign to oblivion, he couldn't seem to make himself forget any of it...

* * *

"_Commander? Is everything okay?" James closed the door behind him carefully, not wanting the other Alliance guards to see Shepard like this and spread gossip about her when she was at a low point. He trusted the other guards, and they were professionals, but a drunken Shepard was something they wouldn't be able to help but to repeat to someone else.  
_

_She looked horrifically drunk; her face was ashen, her eyes had circles around them and were red and dull looking. Her red hair, normally impeccable and tightly held in a ponytail, was unbrushed and seemed to be trying to go in every direction at once. The hand that was clutching the half empty bottle of booze was shaking with a fine tremor and she was swaying unsteadily as she brushed tears from her eyes._

"_Okay?" She laughed hysterically through the tears, "Of course, Vega. Everything is A-Okay! I'm doing fine! Except for the entire fucking world being against me!" She mockingly raised the bottle at him in a toast before swigging from it, her face twisting into a grimace from the burning taste of the alcohol._

"_Do you want to talk?" he'd moved a little closer and gestured at the table and chairs near the window. It was an odd situation and not one he especially relished finding himself in; he liked the commander a lot and hated seeing her like this. She was normally so capable and strong.  
_

_Shepard laughed an ugly derisive laugh, "About what? About the fact that no one believes me? About the fact that I risked my entire crew to stop the Collectors and save the galaxy? About the fact that I'm completely friendless? About the fact that I was dead for two years and everyone I loved moved on with their lives? About the fact that I've lost…" She seemed to struggle for words before she dissolved into tears, "I've lost everything…"_

_She drew in a huge breath and began sobbing; heart wrenching sobs that had hit James like a punch in the stomach. He'd never imagined Shepard losing control like this; up until now she'd been so strong and so brave. She'd faced everything with total calm and even a joke or two, but this was a different Shepard. This was Zillia without her mask; raw and completely exposed._

"_It wasn't supposed to be like this." Her legs seemed to fold beneath her and she sank to the floor still clutching the bottle. "I only did what I did to keep people safe. It isn't fair..."_

_James crossed the floor and crouched down next to her, intending to take the bottle before she could drink more. However, when he got close Shepard reached a hand out and grabbed his shirt, pulling him close to her and staring intently into his face, "I don't understand why he did this to me?" Her voice was raw and although her eyes were slightly unfocused there was a burning intensity in them that almost frightened him._

"_Anderson or Hackett?" He took her hand and pulled it from his shirt, struggling slightly to uncurl her fingers despite their delicacy. His skin seemed to tingle where she'd touched him and he angrily told himself to knock it off. Now was not the time to get physically distracted by Shepard.  
_

"_No, not them. Him." Shepard had waved her hand vaguely at a shattered photo frame that was lying against the wall amongst the pieces of broken bottle. James couldn't see whose photo was in it, but supposed that it must have been someone Shepard was close to. "I loved him and he wouldn't even listen to me. He wouldn't even give me a chance to talk." She drank again from the bottle before James could stop her, and then continued, "He acted like I was nothing to him. Like I was a Cerberus criminal. I loved him and he just walked away."_

"_It sounds like he wasn't worth your time…" James started to placate her, his hands reaching for the bottle when Shepard snatched it out of his reach, her yellow eyes flashing at him angrily. He felt a sudden rush of annoyance that the Commander was being reduced to this because of some idiot who didn't know what he'd had. _

"_No, you don't understand. You don't know! I have to fix this and I don't understand why I can't." She stabbed a finger into his chest as tears again began to blur her eyes and she drew in a painful breath, "I loved him and I never told him, and now everything is gone and I never told him…"_

_She sank back onto the floor and hugged the bottle to her as she began to cry in earnest, her tears falling faster as she seemed to crumple into herself; looking as far from the Commander Shepard he'd idolised as could be. James didn't know what to do. He could deal with angry Shepard and grumpy Shepard but this Shepard was new and frightening. Hearing about her pain and her fears was almost too personal for him to bear, especially since he'd never considered what it would be like to lose two years of your life._

_Despite her soldier-on attitude, she'd lost her career, her friends, her family and apparently the man she loved._

_Clearly she had been bottling everything inside of herself not only for the last few weeks, but for all of the months while she had been fighting the Collectors. He understood the need to get drunk and let everything out, but Shepard couldn't afford to wallow in misery like this. There was too much riding on her convincing the Defence Council about the Collectors and the Reapers. If there were cracks under her armour, they couldn't risk letting anyone see it._

_He reached down and took hold of the bottle, trying not to notice that his hand brushed against Shepard's chest as he did so. When he tried to pull it away, she resisted and he tugged harder, this time finding it harder to ignore that his hand was pushing against one of her breasts._

"_Commander, you need to give me the bottle and sober up." He tugged on it harder and resulted only in pulling her a few inches towards him across the floor. She glanced up at him, red rimmed eyes losing the tinge of sadness and quickly filling with a more animal like annoyance__._

"_Don't tell me what to do. I'm so sick of everyone telling me what to do!" Zillia kept one hand on the bottle and with the other hand shoved him in the chest, a biotic flare briefly lighting up as she did. For such a delicate looking woman there was a lot of power in her hand and James felt himself topple backwards, and even though he kept his grip on the bottle, this time Shepard didn't move an inch. She glared at him, her eyes daring him to try again._

"_Shepard, you need to get a hold of yourself. You got a real raw deal, but this isn't going to help. You need to be strong." He got to his feet, still grimly keeping a hold on the damn bottle and trying to dispel the image of two children playing tug-a-war. "You need to let go, Commander!"_

"_What do you know?" She snarled at him, twisting her arms violently. James tried to break her hold with a quick move, but Shepard, even inebriated, was too fast for him and she blocked his disarming move, growling. She scowled ferociously at him and before he knew it she'd kicked out one of his knees and with a grunt he came toppling down on top of her, the bottle spinning out of both their hands and landing on the ground with a hollow thunk. Shepard fell heavily to the floor and James landed on top of her, pinning her under his bulk._

_He held her down with difficulty, his muscles straining to control her, marvelling that someone so small could have so much strength. Shepard, however, wasn't done yet, and stared up at him furiously as she struggled, the liquor bottle beside them spilling its contents onto the floor and seeping into the carpet. Finally, with her teeth bared and a surge of strength, Shepard somehow wrenched her body off the floor, her biotics flaring as she flung him away from her and quickly lunged at him, landing on him heavily and pinning him to the floor angrily__._

_James stared up at her, stunned that she'd somehow got the better of him, as she stared down at him and blinked, her yellow eyes focusing on him as though seeing him for the first time as her chest heaved with exertion. He felt something shift and change between them and the look in the Commander's eyes changed, the anger giving way to hunger as she looked at him, slowly lowering herself down so that she held her face an inch from his. _

_James stayed still, feeling oddly like an antelope that had been taken down by a lion and was waiting to have its throat ripped out…only he didn't think that the Commander had that kind of eating in mind. Her body shifted on top of him and James suddenly became very, very aware that she was a woman and was straddling him, her nether regions pinned tightly against his. The air seemed to tighten around them as she let go of his arms and instead rested her hands on the floor either side of his head. _

"_Commander…?" He started to try and speak when she lowered herself the rest of the distance between them and kissed him. It was a clumsy, drunken kiss, but it was like nothing James had ever experienced. He'd had girls before, but none of them were someone like Shepard. She was someone who he had watched on television for years and admired, looked up to and believed in. He'd thought about her during his darkest times, imagining what it would be like to be part of her Normandy crew helping to save the world, and sometimes he'd thought about her when he was alone at night in bed, desperately lonely and dreaming about a woman who he would never have._

_For a minute, James forgot his duty and his honour and responded to the kiss, hands clasping her back and bring her closer; her breasts squashing against his chest as he pulled her into his arms. She kissed him passionately and hotly, her tongue delving into his mouth and her hands running through his hair. He was desperately aware of her firm body against his own as she wiggled closer, her hips grinding against his, pausing only to break the kiss and put some distance between them as her hands fumbled at chest, trying to pull his shirt off._

_With the kiss broken, James snapped back to earth with a crash and remembered that he was supposed to be guarding Shepard and ensuring she came to no harm, not rolling around on the floor with her in a pool of alcohol. This was Commander Shepard who he was taking advantage of, and she was completely out of her skull drunk on alcohol! He was taking advantage of her; what he was doing was stupid and wrong, and he couldn't, wouldn't, do this to her._

"_Shepard, stop." He caught her hands and tried to push her off, but she ignored him, too lost in her feelings. "Commander!" He tried again, grabbing her shoulders and shaking her gently. _

_Her eyes focused on him and she frowned as she saw his serious expression, "What? I want you…"_

"_Commander, we can't do this. You're not thinking straight." He ignored the voice in his head which purred at Shepard's words, and instead tried to act like the professional soldier that he was. He was not going to sleep with a woman he idolised when she was this drunk, it was repulsive that he'd gotten so carried away. Shit, it was embarrassing that he'd allowed himself to get so worked up that he'd forgotten his mission._

"_Why not? You like me. You're the only one who likes me." She looked frustrated, "Why shouldn't we act on it?" Her voice was petulant and she tried to grab him again, sighing when James ducked out of the way and kept her at arms length__._

"_No, Shepard." He got to his feet and looked down at her, desperately wanting to take her in his arms and finish what they started, but knowing how inappropriate it was. He was not going to be that sad and desperate man who took advantage of a drunken woman. No way. "We'll talk in the morning, okay?"_

_Shepard stared at him angrily for a heartbeat,_ "_Just get out." She growled eventually as she got to her knees and glared at him, his rejection clearly hurting her pride more than anything else. When he didn't immediately move she fumbled for the whiskey bottle and threw it at the wall behind him, it smashed and sent glass shards showering down like amber rain. "I said get out!" She raised her voice, her eyes tearing up again._

_James left her like that, the sound of her crying ripping into him even more so than when he'd first walked into the room. To make matters worse the next morning she'd been back to her normal self and when he'd started to try and talk about the night before she'd looked at him blankly, confessing that she was very hung over, had had a lot to drink and could only sort of remember getting into a fight with him. But that was all. _

_James had realised, with a sinking heart, that she didn't remember kissing him or saying that she wanted him. He'd casually asked her about her previous romantic relationship since she'd mentioned the night before and he was curious, and she'd given him the brief and painful explanation about the man who'd broken her heart and how she didn't want another relationship. _

_He got what she wasn't saying loud and clear; she didn't want a relationship, full stop. Not with an Alliance soldier and not with him. _

* * *

So he'd made himself forget about the night he'd almost slept with Shepard. He'd made himself forget about the kiss and had made himself forget about the feeling of her body on his. Only he hadn't been able to forget completely, and despite his best attempts the small crush he'd had, had blossomed into a pathetic desperate love. A love that was tempered only with his intense dislike of the man who had hurt her so badly.

He still didn't understand it. Shepard's distress that night had been like something alive; he'd watched as the pain of loss had worked through her as though she were feeling it for the first time. He supposed that maybe she'd been so busy fighting the Collectors and keeping herself together she hadn't had time to stop and mourn the life she'd lost, but the pain had been brutally deep. He assumed, and still did, that Kaidan must have done something especially cruel to create such a response in her.

So _why_ had she gone back to him? Was she one of those sad obsessed women who were always attracted to the men who hurt them? He didn't think so. Shepard was the strongest person he'd ever met – she was the woman who had gone up against a Reaper and lived. She'd faced off against the Collectors and lived. She'd gone through the Omega 4 Relay and had not only lived but had brought her entire crew back in one piece. She was tough.

So it brought him back to the question of the day; why Kaidan? Even if she did love the guy, it wasn't healthy for her to be with someone who could apparently hurt her so casually _just_ because of Cerberus.

The skycar pulled up on the Silver Sun Strip and James paid the driver and disembarked, the new N7 tattoo on his back itching crazily under his shirt. As he made his way towards Shepard's apartment building he wondered if Kaidan was going to be there and what he would say when James turned up. Had Shepard told him he was coming over? Or would she have waited until Kaidan left to minimise the risk of the two of the butting heads again? God knew he'd come close to punching Kaidan right in his stupid face at the Casino last night.

James gathered his thoughts as he strode through the lobby and caught the elevator up to her room, hesitating outside of her door before pressing the buzzer. His heart was pounding crazily in his chest and he made himself breathe slowly and calmly as he heard footsteps coming towards the door. For a crazy moment, he felt like running away from the door and giving up on his plan to win Shepard away from Kaidan. Then the door opened and Shepard was staring at him with those yellow eyes, and James couldn't have run if he'd wanted to.

* * *

**A/N – So, another piece of the puzzle falls into place. Silly drunk Shepard – I think she totally would have had at least one drunken break down on Earth. No one could take that kind of intense stress without letting it all out at least once! ****(Apologies if there are typos in this chapter - it's after midnight and I'm sleepy!)**  


**Please review – I'd love to hear feedback!  
**


	6. Scream

Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect

**A/N – Strange week. I got bitten by a red back spider twice on the knee and had to go to hospital...which is where I wrote a bunch of this chapter on my phone! Ouch! **

**Thank you to the people who reviewed the last chapter – you guys made me smile!**

* * *

James froze under Shepard's gaze, her eyes gleaming at him with almost cat-like luminosity in the dying light from the Citadel's day cycle. Her red hair fell softly around her face and she was dressed in black pants with an N7 hoodie on. She looked very casual and relaxed; a far cry from the soldier he spent his days with and from the stunning femme fatale he'd seen at the casino last night. He felt all of his carefully rehearsed words trickling out of his mind as he gawked at her, desperately scrabbling for something intelligent to say.

"I have something to show you." He blurted out the first thing he thought of, and instantly his mind went to the gutter as the _really_ obvious double meaning of the stupid phrase made itself clear. He watched as Zillia blinked in surprise and raised her eyebrows. He knew his face was burning as she stared at him and he would have given anything to take the words back. "I mean, I uh..."

"Come in, Vega." Shepard's chuckled softly at his embarrassment and she ushered him in and closed the door behind him.

"Is Major Alenko here?" James glanced around casually, noticing that the apartment already looked subtly different from the last time he'd visited. The apartment had very much looked as though Anderson still lived here back when Shepard's evil clone had been running amok. Now, it looked far more lived in and some of Shepard's belongings were scattered around - books, clothes and vids. He also noticed that some of the items were clearly Kaidan's and he felt himself sober up a little, remembering the reason he was here.

"Nope, he got a tip that one of his spec ops team members was on the Citadel and went to check it out." Shepard moved in front of him and led the way into the kitchen where a half empty cup of coffee was sitting on the bench. "Want some?" She picked the cup up and took a sip.

"No thanks, I'm not a fan of caffeine." He waved her offer away and leaned against the bench, crossing his arms across his chest and feeling the tattoo on his back tighten with the move.

"That's right. I forgot you're a health nut about everything _except_ alcohol." She grinned again and drained most of her cup in a few gulps. "You're missing out though. Kaidan bought some of the best coffee I've ever had…"

"Commander, I'll be honest with you; I don't really care about Kaidan or coffee." James shrugged when Shepard gave him an unimpressed look over the rim of her coffee mug, the stream wisping up around her face.

She sighed and put the coffee cup down, looking suddenly tired as she ran a hand through her glorious red hair, "Yeah, I got that. It's one of the reasons why I agreed to see you today..."

"Aw, come on..." He tried to sound playful and friendly, to stop the conversation from going down a place he wasn't quite ready to take it yet. But Shepard wasn't playing his game and she shook her head, her eyes razor sharp as they cut into him.

"We have to talk James. _This_ can't go on." She moved around the other side of the kitchen bench to tip the rest of her coffee down the sink and rinse the cup, but James suspected that it was just an excuse to put the bench between them.

It was as though she was regathering her thoughts before she steeled herself to say what she needed to say, and it felt ominous that she was trying to put distance between them when he was trying to do the exact opposite. Why couldn't she see that he cared for her more than Kaidan ever would? It was so frustrating to be so close to her physically, but be so distant emotionally.

"What can't go on?" He asked innocently, and rewarded by a glance of annoyance from Shepard as she turned around looking exasperated.

"You know what I'm talking about. You can't keen interfering with Kaidan and me." She stepped towards him, resting one hand on the bench while her eyes bored into him intently. "It's not your place and it's not your business." She absently put the mug down on the counter and sighed as James gave her a stubborn look.

"What? Am I making things difficult for you?" James put a wealth of meaning into his phrase and moved closer to Shepard, smiling again as she narrowed her eyes at him, her hands moving to grip the edge of the counter tightly.

"You _know_ you are, Vega."

James shrugged again, "Sorry, but I can't just stand around and watch you go back to Alenko. I saw what he did to you on Earth. I was there when you fell apart..."

"We are not going to talk about that night." Despite not remembering the details, Shepard visibly paled at the mention of _The Night_ and she abruptly swung around and walked away from him and back into the lounge room. "Look, if you're going to keep this up, maybe you should go."

James hesitated for a moment and watched her walk away; this was not how he had imagined the afternoon going. He'd wanted to keep things light and happy, like they normally were between them, but things were definitely going down a much darker path then he had envisioned. Shepard was just as determined to keep him at a distance as he was to close that gap. No matter, he still had his ace up his sleeve!

"Whoa, wait up Lola. I still have to show you something." James hurried after her and grabbed her wrist before she could make it to the front door and open it. He stopped her near the couches and tried not to flinch when she pulled her wrist out of his hand and crossed her arms over her chest, her chin jutting out challengingly.

"What is it, James." Her tone was sharp with irritation, like broken glass scraping along a blackboard.

He didn't hesitate as he whipped his cotton shirt off, knowing he was flexing his muscles and showing off, and completely aware that he did have a fantastic body thanks to all of those hours of working out. He kept hold of his shirt and let it hang beside his body as he glanced at the Commander. Her eyes briefly roved down his chest before she wrenched them back to his, and he saw with disappointment that she was unimpressed with him. The stubborn jut to her jaw was still there and her eyes looked angry enough to melt steel.

"I've seen you shirtless before, lieutenant." She rolled her eyes and went to turn around again, but James held up a hand to forestall her.

"Oh, that's not what I wanted to show you, but I'm glad you're enjoying the view." James grinned at her playfully and slowly turned around so she could see the N7 tattoo stretched across his back. It had hurt like a bastard to get done and was itching crazily, but it was worth it. Unfortunately because of its location on his back it stretched and itched whenever he moved his torso or arms, but it was only a temporary annoyance while it healed.

"Wow." Shepard actually sounded impressed. "That's a pretty big statement, James. Tattoos are forever."

He relaxed as she used his name instead of rank, realising that the instant she'd seen that he actually _did_ have something to show her and wasn't just playing games, a lot of the angry tension had gone from the room. He heard her stepping closer to get a better look, and had to force himself to keep breathing as he felt her fingers on his back, gently touching the tattoo. Her fingers were warm against his cooler skin, and he felt his body react as goose bumps prickled across his skin. Shepard pulled her hand back and James turned back around, but her face gave nothing away.

"When I commit to something, Zillia, it's for life." He watched as her widened at his words and she drew in a sharp breath. "I'm not like Kaidan. I don't walk away from people who I care about and I'm not walking away from you."

Shepard groaned in exasperation and shook her head, her hands running through her hair as she turned away from him. "Not this again! Look, I appreciate the sentiment James, but I keep telling you that you don't understand the situation and I mean it..."

"Bullshit, Lola." James took a step closer and Shepard turned around, his gaze intense as he met Shepard's shadowed eyes, her face showing only her frustration. "You were torn up on Earth because of what he did, and when he was with you on Mars he was still going on about you and Cerberus. I understand perfectly about guys like that!" He felt anger course through him at the thought of Kaidan thinking he could treat Shepard any way he liked and still have her come crawling back to him. It was twisted.

"You're not listening to me!" Shepard's face was starting to flush with anger and shook her head again, "You don't know enough about us or what happened to pass judgement on Kaidan!"

"I know enough to know when someone isn't good enough for you." He let his shirt fall from his fingers to the floor as he stepped closer, his voice softening as he gave her a heated look. "You could still give us a chance, Zillia. I know you want me, you told me once."

"I did not!" Her head jerked slightly in shock and her face went red again, this time from embarrassment.

"Yeah, you did. The same night you tried to jump me." James raised an eyebrow, deciding that forcing her to see reason would require the blunt and harsh truth. "You _were_ pretty drunk that night back on Earth, mind you...you know, on the anniversary of the Normandy's destruction."

"Oh God..." Shepard ran a hand through her hair and closed her eyes as though in pain, "Is that what I did that night? Vega, I don't remember _anything_ about what happened."

"Well I do. I know that you threw yourself at me, kissed me, touched me and told me you wanted me." James watched as Shepard went redder and redder, her eyes watching him with the same fascination that keeps people watching when an accident happens.

"I had no idea what I was doing, that night. Please tell me we didn't..." Zillia swallowed hard, unable to finish the sentence. She looked as though she was going to be sick, which was not the reaction James had been looking for when he'd decided to tell her what she'd done. Then again, maybe a wakeup call like this was just what she needed to realise the kind of destruction Kaidan was causing in her life.

"No, we didn't. But only because I stopped you and left the room." James hated the way he sounded proud, like he'd something special instead of just doing the right thing. "You threw a bottle of whisky at me." He added with a grin, trying to break the tension.

Zillia let out a sigh and seemed to ignore the whisky comment, "Thank God!"

James reached out and took one of her hands, hands that were rough with callouses from combat and hard work. He held her smaller and more delicate hand in his, wanting to believe that Shepard would look past Kaidan and see that he was so much better for her. She raised golden eyes to his, eyes that could look both passionate and terrifying when they needed to, but which just looked tired and distant.

"Shepard, please give us a chance." He pulled her to him and she slowly moved closer, her face giving nothing away as she stared at him impassively. "I love you..."

"It doesn't matter." Shepard put a hand to his chest, clearly intending to push him away, but James pulled her closer and kissed her in one fluid motion. The kiss was delicate; barely a gentle brush of his lips on hers before he kissed her again with more passion.

Shepard, like before, didn't pull away but she didn't respond to him either. It was like she was too shocked to move or as though she didn't know what to do, so she simply froze. James' heartbeat was thundering in his ears as he held Shepard close, and the kiss seemed to go on and on, though really it had probably only been a matter of seconds. He started to slide his hands down her back when he was abruptly and violently jerked back by a hand on his shoulder, and without warning James found himself staring into the furious face of Kaidan Alenko.

"Get the hell away from her!"

* * *

The tip off about the solider who was supposed from his biotics special operations team had been a waste of time. Well, not a complete waste of time; the solider had, in fact, been the younger brother of a soldier from his squad. He had confirmed that his brother had made it off Earth when the Reapers attacked, but he hadn't heard from him in weeks. So Kaidan had come back to Shepard's apartment slightly downcast and feeling a little deflated; he'd so badly wanted to find out that at least a few of his students were alive and active.

He was so wrapped up in his thoughts about his missing students that he completely forgot that Shepard was having James around to talk to him about backing off. Or at least he had forgotten until he walked in and saw a shirtless James kissing Shepard. For a moment he simply stood there and stared at them, neither of them had noticed him walk in; Shepard was standing with one hand pressed to his chest, while James had his hands _all over her_...

Kaidan saw red.

It had been bad enough when James was harassing _him_ about Shepard, but to see him holding and kissing the woman he loved was too much for him. His temper, which was usually held perfectly in check, snapped and before he knew it he crossed the floor and grabbed James's shoulder with a hand that felt like it could have bent steel. He wrenched James back from her and quickly moved into the gap between them, shoving him back again.

"Get the hell away from her!" Kaidan spat angrily, rage pulsing through him as he noted with a real sense of pleasure that James looked completely startled and even a little frightened.

He felt his biotics light up around him as he threw a punch at James at got him hard in the face, putting all the power of his biotics into the blow. There was a sickening crunch, followed by a thick spurt of blood and James swore, stumbling back into a couch. He knocked it over and barely stopped himself from falling to the floor too. Behind him, Kaidan heard Shepard say his name, but he ignored her and focused solely on James, adrenaline coursing through his body as he strode towards him, already gathering biotic energy for his next attack.

James, his face dripping blood, was ready for him this time and had his hands up ready to fight, but it didn't matter. Kaidan threw a wave of biotic power at him and hurled him into a wall, holding him there as he charged at him and hit him again with a wordless scream of rage. He couldn't think, he couldn't feel, all he wanted to do was to rip James limb from limb for touching Shepard. He felt Vega break free of the hold and hit him back, but he didn't care, he didn't feel pain, dimly he realised blood was dripping down from a cut above his eye and was half blinding him, but he knew James looked worse as they grappled and fought.

"Stop it, both of you!"

Kaidan felt a force greater than anything he'd felt in a long time slam into him and he was knocked sideways into the wall, his grip on James torn away as the other soldier was flung sideways too. The impact against the wall knocked him senseless and Kaidan slumped on the floor for a second while his ears rang. He could see James in his field of vision, half-collapsed against a window and looking more than a little worse for wear as he blinked in confusion and tried to sit up, his face a mask of blood.

_Did I do that?_ Kaidan wondered absently.

Shepard stepped into his line of vision and with a jolt he realised that Shepard must have biotically charged into them to knock them apart. He'd seen her do it in combat often enough to know it was a brutal biotic attack, but he'd never been on the receiving end before. He watched in silence, still too addled to speak, as she knelt near him, gingerly reaching out a hand and lifting his head so she could look at him properly.

"Kaidan? Can you hear me? Are you alright?" Her voice was firm and no-nonsense, but her hand was trembling slightly under his chin. She didn't seem frightened, so much as unsettled to have seen both of them fighting so viciously. He noticed vaguely there was blood on her jacket, either his or James' from when she'd slammed into them.

"Yeah, I'm fine." He slowly nodded, his head still buzzing as he put a hand to his face and felt the gash above his eyes where James had got him. His cheek beneath felt swollen too and he gingerly used his hand to wipe the blood from his eye as he got to his feet. Shepard grabbed his arm and helped him to his feet, steadying him as he swayed.

While he got his bearings he watched as she moved over to James, who was still slumped against the window. She knelt by him and checked him over, but although he straightened up and leaned more securely against the window, he didn't get to his feet. He kept shaking his head slightly as the blood dripped down it, and he was blinking rapidly and unfocusedly.

Kaidan tried to feel compassion for him, but came up empty. Instead he felt a cold hard satisfaction that James had got what he deserved. He'd just kept pushing and pushing until something had given; unfortunately it hadn't worked out in his favour. It served him right, it really did

"Jesus, Kaidan." Zillia came walking back towards him, "You could have killed him." She muttered in condemnation as she strode past him towards the bathroom, wiping her bloody hands on her shirt. She didn't look at his face as she moved past him, her jaw set angrily and her lips thinned. She returned a moment later with two applications of medigel, one of which she silently handed to him and the other she walked over and applied to James who was semi-conscious.

"Shepard he was kissing you again and had his hands all over you. Was I supposed to just stand and watch?" Kaidan asked quietly as he watched her tend James, the medigel in his hands sitting unused as he felt his rage ignite again like red hot fire in his veins. This time though he kept it under control and focused on something else, carefully flexing and moving the hand he'd hit James with, analysing the pain and swelling as he tried to decide if he'd broken something. He'd over-reacted, he knew, but James had had it coming.

"Maybe, but you're a Council Spectre and he's just an Alliance Soldier." She'd finished applying the medigel to James and came back over to Kaidan. She took the medigel out of his hands and began applying it to him carefully, her yellow eyes careful and guarded. "You should have trusted me."

"I do trust you, Zillia." He raised his hands up to hers and stilled them as she finished smoothing medigel over his cheek. "But when I came in and saw him kissing you… I just lost it." Kaidan squeezed her hands gently, his own aching sharply as he did. "It didn't help that you weren't putting up much of a fight."

Shepard had reddened slightly as he mentioned that she hadn't done anything to stop the kiss, and she hesitantly brought his hands down in hers, looking at his injured fist and applying medigel to that too, avoiding his eyes as she struggled to speak. "I was going to stop him, Kaidan…"

"When?" Kaidan gently squeezed her hands again, using the pressure to emphasise his point. "You weren't doing anything to stop him. You were just standing there and enjoying it…"

"I wasn't enjoying it!" Shepard dropped his hands and looked at him, aghast, her eyes flashing. "I was letting him kiss me so he could see it wasn't affecting me…"

"Oh, so you were _letting_ him kiss you, were you?" He couldn't stop the sarcastic tone creeping into his voice, but after fighting so hard to fix things with Shepard it hurt to hear that she'd let another man kiss her. He'd thought they were a solid couple and that James, although annoying, hadn't really had a shot at coming between them. Had he been wrong?

"It wasn't like that, Kaidan!" Shepard swung away from him and threw the empty medigel pouch onto the coffee table. She paced back and forth a few steps, rubbing her temples and casting anxious glances at both him and James. "It really wasn't like that."

"Well, it sure as hell looked like it." Kaidan walked closer to James and looked at the semi-conscious young man. His eyes were dull and unfocused, but his gaze was following Shepard as she paced. "You need to sort this shit out! Either it's me or it's him; you can't be with me and keep stringing him along like this." He gestured at James and then walked back to Zillia, trying to ignore the pressure in his head that was starting to build. Was he getting a migraine? That would be the icing on the cake on a day like today!

Zillia shook her head at this and faced him squarely, meeting his eyes properly. "I'm not stringing him along! You know me better than that!"

Kaidan hesitated, unaware that his whisky coloured eyes briefly filled with pain. "I thought I did…"

"And what's _that_ supposed to mean?" Shepard crossed her arms over her chest, agitation coming from her in waves as she frowned.

"It means that once upon a time you would have punched a guy like him! You would have knocked his lights out for touching you!" He watched as Shepard jerked as though she'd hit him, and he sighed. "Look, I don't want to fight with you. I love you Zillia, and I know you love me…but maybe you should take tonight to think about what you want from me, and what you want from James." He ran a hand through his hair and glanced away, not wanting to meet her eyes when he was feeling so torn apart himself. "I'll stay on the Normandy and in the morning you can tell me what you want."

"Kaidan, no…"

"I'm not leaving you, okay?" He emphasized, taking her in his arms and folding her into a crushingly tight embrace. He held her tightly to him, praying that he was doing the right thing and trusting that Shepard would still be his in the morning. "I'm just giving you some space for tonight. Talk to James properly. Have dinner with him. Or drinks. Or play poker, I don't know, just…work things out."

He swallowed hard, the vision of James kissing Shepard still burning in his mind. He didn't want to come home in the morning to find that she'd decided that James was the one for her and that an unstable biotic like Kaidan Alenko wasn't safe to have around. He felt almost as bad as he had when he'd found out Shepard had died; like a piece of him was being ripped out. He trusted Shepard, he really did, but it still hurt to even imagine life without her.

"Maybe I jumped to conclusions earlier but I bet you'd do just the same if you saw some strumpet with her hands all over me." Kaidan loosened his arms and she stepped back, her eyes shining with tears. He reached up and brushed one of her tears aside, taking heart in the fact that she was hurting because he was hurting.

Shepard nodded, "You're right, you know. I should have stopped him and I can't blame you for getting upset…but you did go a little far." She blinked her tears away quickly and took a deep breath, nodding to herself. "I'll take tonight to think about it, but I'm still going to feel the same way in the morning, Kaidan. I love you."

"Then I'll sleep easy." He hugged her again and gently kissed her, trying to believe her but somehow unable to shake the feeling that this was a kiss goodbye. "See you in the morning, Zi."

She swallowed hard and her eyes shimmered with tears again at the use of his nickname for her, watching silently as he turned and left. He didn't look back as he opened and the door and walked out; if she had still been watching him and crying he might not have been able to make himself leave. And he had to leave and pull himself together. As did Shepard. No matter what she said, she needed to sort out her priorities.

She wasn't some shrinking violet who couldn't make James listen to her, no, if she really wanted to she _could_. The only logical explanation was that Shepard didn't want to hurt James, and unfortunately it was inevitable that Vega was going to get hurt if she was true to her word and wanted to stay with him.

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**A/N – Things are heating up, huh? Who would have thought Kaidan would have such a nasty temper. **

**I hope you enjoyed my chapter and I love to hear from you if you're reading along or following! So…send me a review and let me know what you think!**

** You'll make my day and distract me from my still very painful spider bite!  
**


	7. Breathe

_Disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect. Pity._

**A/N – Thank you, as always, to the people who reviewed the last chapter! For the record, I appreciate and love that I stirred a few people up with my Kaidan/James fight…but Kaidan would **_**so**_** have won that particular little scuffle. The guy broke a Turian war veteran's neck as a teenager – he has anger issues **_**and**_** the dude's a Spectre. But, if it makes my James-orientated people happy, I promise to write another fic where he gets to beat up Kaidan in a fair fight! :D**

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Shepard watched through eyes that were blurred with tears as Kaidan softly closed the door behind him as he left; every fibre of her being screamed at her to bring him back and not to let him walk away. But she didn't. He was right, she knew, that she had to sort out this mess with James properly and take the time to work out what she wanted from both of them. She had been so focused on the Defence Committee hearing on Earth, and then with fixing things between herself and Kaidan, that she'd drowned out her feelings for James and hadn't allowed herself to feel anything for him.

She _did_ feel something for him, she could admit that much, but she didn't know what it was or even if she wanted to explore it further.

Everything was much more complicated than it had to be. Damn James for being so stubborn and for pushing this on her; why couldn't he have kept a lid on it and let things be? It was sweet of him to worry about her and to want to protect her, but she didn't need his protection; least of all protection from Kaidan. Plus, she was sick to death of James badmouthing her lover and saying he wasn't good enough for her, especially when she kept telling him that he didn't know the full story. Vega seen her at her absolute worst on Earth when everything she'd buried and ignored had come back to haunt her. She had been angry at Kaidan for so many reasons, but she'd also been angry at herself and Kaidan had been an easy target to aim her disappointment and rage at.

Sighing, Shepard made herself turn away from the door, knowing that Kaidan was stubborn enough that he _would_ stay the night on the Normandy and leave her to her own devices with James. It was a gamble on his part because he didn't have any reason to trust that James wasn't going to try anything again; but he clearly trusted her. He trusted her to do the right thing despite knowing that since they'd decided to get back together, she had allowed James to kiss her twice; something she wasn't sure she would forgive Kaidan for if their situations were reversed. She ran a hand loosely through her hair, wishing that she wasn't in this situation and that the whole problem would just resolve itself without her doing anything, but she wasn't foolish enough to really believe it would.

She turned her attention back to James as he slowly got to his feet, one hand firmly on the wall as he kept the other hand pressed to his face, whether to stem his blood nose or to because he was in pain, she wasn't sure. She felt a little guilty for contributing to his injuries when she'd biotically charged at the two of them, but neither of the men had been listening to her and as the fight had become more violent Shepard had been genuinely worried that one of them would serious hurt the other.

James raised his head and looked at her and Shepard looked away and tipped her head slightly back for a moment, blinking rapidly as she tried to clear the goddamned tears from her eyes. She calmly drew in a deep breath and attempted to settle herself; she was still trembling from the adrenaline that had coursed through her when she'd charged. However, it was the emotional scene with Kaidan that had made it worse. Fighting and violence she could handle, emotions were something she'd spent a lot of her life repressing and she wasn't always great at expressing them.

"Shepard? You okay?" James' voice broke through her concentration and she focused on him again. Despite looking like he had been through a meat grinder she couldn't help but remember how warm and hard his flesh had been under her hands as she'd applied medigel to him. Luckily, he was standing under his own power now so she wouldn't have to risk the temptation of touching him again, although he _was_ still leaning against the wall for support. His face and chest had blood on them and although he still looked wobbly, he was watching Shepard with concern, as though his pain was secondary to hers.

"Yep." She didn't trust herself to say much else as he watched her. "How are you feeling, Vega?"

"Sore." He tried to smile, but the movement seemed to hurt him and he winced, gingerly touching his face much as Kaidan had done a few minutes ago. "Did you put medigel on me? Or was I dreaming?"

"You were a little out of it, and I wanted to put some gel on as soon as I could to stop the bleeding and bruising." Shepard made herself move towards the lounge chair that James had knocked over during the fight, suddenly feeling awkward and a little uncomfortable, although she couldn't have said why. Maybe it was because Kaidan had told her to spend time with James and figure out what she felt for him, or maybe it was because she knew she owed James some kind of explanation as to where Kaidan had gone.

"Thanks, Commander." He pushed off the wall and moved to meet her in the middle of the room to help her right the couch, his usually smiling face looking very subdued. He glanced around, presumably for Kaidan, as he finished helping and flopped onto the couch and groaned. "Man, the Major sure packs one hell of a punch for a smaller guy. Where is he? In the bathroom cleaning up?"

Shepard felt the anxiety in her wind a little tighter at the mention of Kaidan and she sank into a chair opposite James, hoping he wouldn't make too big of a deal of this. "Kaid..." She correctly herself quickly, trying to keep things professional, "_Major Alenko_ went back to the Normandy."

She felt James looking at her and she cleared her throat before she looked back at him determinedly, wanting to appear strong and nonchalant, like none of this was bothering her. James didn't seem to know what to say, he just looked at her with his dark brown puppy eyes, trying to figure out if this was a good thing or a bad thing. Shepard watched as a drop of blood slid down the side of his face and dripped onto the couch and, without saying anything, she stood up, leaving James to stare after her as she went to the kitchen and got a hand towel. She ran water over it and brought it back, throwing it lightly at him. He wasn't bleeding much, but he was still getting blood on everything she touched, and Shepard didn't really want to clean it up.

"You're getting blood on my couch." She explained as she sat back down again and avoided watching as James used the towel to clean the blood off his face, neck and chest.

"So," James put the bloody towel on the coffee table with the used medigel pouches and raised his eyebrows at her, "Mind if I ask why Alenko left?"

Zillia sighed and ran her hand though her hair again. She wanted to say that yes, she did mind actually, but considering that Kaidan had just beaten James to a pulp, she probably did owe him an explanation. But what could she say? James had done the wrong thing by kissing her, but Kaidan hadn't exactly done the right thing by attacking him. Truthfully, Kaidan had almost scared her with the level of aggression he'd shown. She knew from their talks that he'd had problems controlling his temper when he was younger, but today he'd lost control of himself completely and could have seriously hurt James if she hadn't stopped them. But...could she blame him? Kaidan had told her last night that he'd come close to hitting James because he was still bothering him, so it wasn't like he hadn't warned her.

"Kaidan wanted to give me some space to talk to you." Shepard saw James' shirt lying crumpled on the ground near her seat and she picked it up and flicked it to him, noticing that the medigel was already starting to reduce the swelling and bruising on his face. He was looking less and less like a piece of road kill and more like a human being again. "He also wanted me to take some time to think about what I want."

"What do you mean?" James frowned and looked confused as he pulled his shirt back on, and Shepard tried not to obviously watch as his muscled chest vanished beneath the shirt. "Don't tell me he's blaming you for the kiss? He _is_ isn't he?"

"No." Shepard looked away and shrugged, Vega sounded outraged on her behalf and she felt annoyed again at his over-protectiveness. "Not really, but I didn't stop you, did I? He thinks I'm stringing you along and that's the reason why you haven't stopped interfering with us."

James didn't say anything and Shepard watched as he processed what she was saying with a frown, "He thinks you're stringing me along? And what? He left you here to what? Figure out if you still want to be with him?"

"No, he…" She hesitated and slumped further into the couch, her head aching with all of the unnecessary stress she was having to deal with thanks to James. "He knows how I feel about him, but he thinks I need to work out how I feel about you."

James nodded and stood up, smiling despite the pain as he sauntered over to her, his usual swagger somewhat impeded by a limp. "Lola, just give me half a chance..."

"I don't want to give you false hope, James." Shepard warned him softly, feeling felt her skin prickle to awareness as James came closer, smelling like a soldier; like blood and sweat.

He was such a big imposing figure; so much bigger than herself or Kaidan. She had always appreciated that he was physically attractive and she'd enjoyed his subtle attention and his obvious hero worship. But she'd also respected that he was a professional and was exceptionally good at his job, being able to make tough decisions without getting emotionally involved. Or at least he'd been able to do that until recently when he'd found out about herself and Kaidan.

His recent behaviour had been so pig headed and stubborn that she was struggling to feel something other than annoyed and frustrated with him; he was acting as though he had a right to interfere in her life and he didn't. He may have been charged with her safety on Earth, but the situation and mission had changed he should have backed off. No matter how much he liked her or loved her, it didn't give him the right to try to tell her who she could and could not love, or who was right or wrong for her.

Okay, so maybe she hadn't been entirely honest when she'd feigned shock and innocence when James had told her that she'd tried to sleep with him back on Earth, but she hadn't known for certain what she'd done. She'd drunk so much that day that she couldn't remember the night properly, all she knew was that she'd had a vivid and exceptionally erotic dream featuring herself and James that night. Zillia had decided that it _had_ to have been a dream because even drunk, there was no way she would have behaved like that; it was totally out of character for her...even if she _had_ been drunk and desperate to escape reality.

Besides, he said they hadn't slept together and in her dream they most certainly had.

"I'm not asking for much, Shepard." James knelt on the floor next to her and gave her a disarmingly sweet smile. "Just hang out with me tonight, let me cook you dinner and just relax." He carefully reached out and touched her shoulder lightly, forcing her to meet his gaze. "No pressure."

Zillia nodded, but she could feel the pressure of his hope already; it was like a boa constrictor tightening around her and slowly choking the life from her. James knew she found him attractive because she'd told him when she was drunk, and now he wasn't backing off until she acknowledged it or until she acted on it. The problem was she didn't know what she felt for him. Her feelings for Kaidan were crystal clear to her, albeit slightly scarred by their past, but she didn't want to acknowledge what it was she felt for James. If she acknowledged it, it would become real and then her choice would become even more painful.

She'd lost so much since she'd died and been resurrected; more than Kaidan or James knew, and she didn't want to lose even more.

* * *

James felt as though he was walking on eggshells with Shepard; he was watching everything he said and did in case he pushed her even further away. He'd never felt more distant from her than he did now; she was like a stranger. She was still visibly angry about the fight and was so distracted that he knew she could only be thinking about Kaidan. It annoyed him, it felt like even though the guy had left them alone together on purpose, he was still here in spirit and getting in the way. Oddly though, Vega understood what Kaidan was going though, and it made him almost respect the guy; he wanted Shepard to be absolutely sure that she wanted to be with him.

On one hand it gave James the shot he needed to try and persuade Shepard that she didn't need the biotic, but on the other hand it also meant that Kaidan was not only very certain that Zillia was going to choose him, but that he was far more serious about the two of them then James had realised. This was his last shot, Vega realised. If he blew it with Shepard tonight then this would be it for them; she'd go back to Alenko and he would be left down in the shuttle bay to lick his wounds and dream about what might have been.

"Do you have family, James?" Shepard's subdued and polite question surprised him and he paused in the middle of cooking dinner for them. She was still sitting on the couch looking moody, her hair as red as freshly spilled blood and her golden eyes so dark and shadowed they almost looked copper; she was a picture of beautiful introspective misery and she made his heart ache.

"Yeah, but not much to speak of other than my uncle." James hated talking about the mess that was his father. His childhood and teenage years had been so messed up that he avoided talking about it whenever he could; he was certain people would judge him by his father's choices.

"Is that the uncle that convinced you to sign up?" She stood up and drifted over, still looking adorable in her N7 hoody and pants even though he could see dried bloodstains on her jacket when she came closer.

"Yeah, that's the guy." James went back to cooking and decided to change the subject. "What about you? Any family?"

"Yeah, my mother is a captain…well…a rear admiral now, actually." She snorted like this was hilarious although James didn't understand why. "I haven't seen her since she came to see me briefly on Earth, but I know she's out there fighting the good fight."

"And your father?"

"He was in the Alliance Navy and was an N7 officer, but I never knew him." Shepard shrugged as though this was no big deal, but he could tell it bothered her. "Admiral Hackett was good friends with my mother and I spent a lot of time around him when I was young, so I guess he was almost a stand in father figure for me."

James was surprised by this; he had known that Shepard was close to both Anderson and Hackett, but he hadn't realised that she had grown up surrounded by Admirals and captains. It certainly explained why Shepard had wound up being a career Alliance officer and why she was so comfortable with the upper echelons of the Alliance hierarchy. He could also see why it wasn't common knowledge; it was clear that her close relationship to both Anderson and Hackett could have been seen as favouritism by some people.

But no one could possibly claim that her promotions over the years hadn't been deserved; she was an N7 and that meant that she as tough and worthy. No one who had made it to the N7 ranking would ever be accused of being undeserving. Plus she'd survived Akuze against the odds, had taken down a reaper and done the impossible and destroyed the Collectors. The woman was as close to a perfect solider as any human being would ever come and she deserved every good thing that came her way.

James realised he'd been silent for a while, but he wasn't sure how to respond to her. He desperately wanted to ask if her father was alive or dead, and if he was alive why she had never met him. But things were going so nicely that he didn't want to rock the boat, so he nodded as though he understood and kept cooking.

Their lives were worlds apart, he mused as she loitered near the counter watching him. She'd grown up in space and had lived the life of a relatively privileged Alliance military brat, while he'd grown up on Earth in some of the less than pleasant neighbourhoods, dealing with violence and red sand and crime. He wondered what Kaidan's life had been like and how it compared to his own. He didn't know the Major well enough to speculate, but he guessed that he'd probably had it easy. Alenko seemed so controlled and even tempered that James couldn't imagine him ever having had to deal with anything bad in at all. He'd probably grown up in space too, and had probably had the usual privileged biotic training and never put a toe out of line...

_Until he broke fraternisation regulations with Shepard..._

He ignored the warning voice in his head and continued cooking the paella, determined to put all of his own insecurities about Alenko out of his mind and concentrate on not ruining dinner. Shepard leaned on the counter and watched him cook, her golden eyes following his movements as though memorising every move he made. Normally he felt self-conscious when under observation, especially if it was Shepard watching him, but it felt good having her close to him and to know he was cooking for her. He'd cooked a few times on Earth, but each time something had gone wrong or he'd become flustered and had messed up, so Shepard no doubt thought he was a terrible cook. He'd prove her wrong tonight!

Vega wondered what she had thought about Kaidan punching him and their subsequent brawl; he'd never have guessed that Alenko would have done something as violent as hitting him. He was always so calm and serene. In fact, James had never seen anything get under his skin, nor had he seen any evidence that Kaidan was capable of the kind of brutality he'd wrecked on him today. Then again, he reflected in amusement, if their situation was reversed and he had walked in to see Kaidan kissing his girlfriend he might have done the same thing, minus the biotic superpowers, mind you. It was easy to forget that Alenko was a Spectre and a powerful biotic; he was so easygoing that he often seemed like just another soldier.

He upended the frying pan's contends onto a big dish, wincing as his shoulder ached with the movement. Kaidan had thrown him into the wall with an insane amount of force, and when Shepard had charged into both of them, she had hurt it even more. He wasn't seriously injured, but he guess he was going to have some impressive bruising in the morning.

"Dinner!" He announced and took out two plates, serving generous amounts of food onto both plates and carrying them to the table. Shepard followed with the cutlery in one hand and some beers in the other and sat down at the table, sniffing appreciatively at her the food on her plate. She seemed a little less angry now, but she was still quieter than usual and seemed a little distracted.

"This looks great, James." She gave him a smile that looked genuine and then smirked suddenly, "I didn't think you could actually cook. Not after that time on Earth you set fire to the..."

"Not my fault." He interrupted, protesting his innocence and grinning when she made a sound of disbelief, "It's true. If one of the other guards hadn't distracted me you could have been eating my paella a whole lot sooner."

She snorted with laughter as though he'd said something hilarious, and began to eat, pausing occasionally to ask him a question about the food or where he had learned to cook. The dinner went smoothly and Zillia began to relax as the evening wore on; the tension gradually beginning to filter out of the atmosphere. Despite this, James was so nervous and tense that he couldn't have recounted what they had talked about.

By the time they were drinking their after dinner beers, he felt like things were back to normal; Shepard sat curled casually on the couch next to him with a smile on her face, recounting some ridiculous story about herself and Garrus on Omega. When her story was over, both of them were in stitches with laughter, and James knew that their connection was back again. It felt like old times between them, as though it was just the two of them against the world, with no Kaidan Alenko coming between them. James knew it was foolish to feel this way, especially since Shepard had never been his, but he wanted to be the one she chose to love so badly.

He met her eyes as they laughed and, instinctively, reached out casually and took her hand. Her laughter petered out and she looked at him. The look wasn't exactly wary, it was more like she wasn't sure what to do, so she watched him carefully and waited for him to make the next move. When she didn't pull her hand away James gently moved his thumb in slow circles around her palm and drew her closer to him, gently pushing her hair out of her face gently. Shepard bit her lip and looked indecisive for a moment, then she met his eyes again and allowed herself to move closer to him, the look on her face letting James know that one false move would send her scurrying away.

"So, have you worked out how you feel about me yet?" James let his hand drop from her hair and trailed his fingers down her arm. Zillia shivered as the slight contact and swallowed hard, her the look in her eyes helpless and ever so slightly lost.

"I like you James, you know that..."

"You more than like me," He reminded her, feeling his chest tighten at the sad sound in her voice. He didn't want to hear that pained tone in her voice anymore; she needed to be happy again.

"Maybe, I don't know, yes, I suppose." Shepard looked annoyed at herself and she drew in a deep breath, "Yes, I'm attracted to you physically, but..."

"No buts." James told her firmly as he put a finger to her lips to stop her from saying something he didn't want to hear. He drew her into a kiss again, pulling her warm and supple body against his as one hand loosely cupped the back of her neck, half frightened she would pull away.

She didn't.

Shepard relaxed into the kiss and snuggled against him. He body seemed to fit against his so easily, and this time, unlike the other times when he'd been brave enough to kiss her, he could feel her react to him physically. She wound her arms sinuously around his neck and clung to him as she kissed him back hungrily; almost violently. Her nails dug into his shoulders and she cuddled closer still, climbing into his lap and straddling him. It was heaven. James drew in her scent sharply and groaned in appreciation, his own body reacting to her proximity in a predictable and familiar way. He wanted her so badly, wanted to hold her and love her and keep her safe from anyone who would hurt her including that selfish emotionless lump of stone called Kaidan Alenko.

He ran his hands down her sides and over her ass, pulling her tighter against him as he slid his tongue into her mouth, wanting to taste every single bit of her. The kiss was a smorgasbord of sensations; her mouth was searing against his, her body was firm and hard, graceful and soft. He could smell her scent on the air around him, an exquisitely familiar smell of perfume, gun oil and soap. James knew he could have stayed like this forever, wrapped in her arms and surrounded by the warmth of her body.

Slowly, so as not to break the hypnotic spell they were both under, he lowered her sideways so she was laying on the couch and covered her body with his, his movements gentle and loving. He was careful as he pressed his body to hers that he didn't crush her with his weight, and kept most of it on his forearms as he pressed his lips to hers again. He felt like he was being burnt alive by the desire pulsing through his body; he'd waited so long to be this close to Shepard...

"James!" She pulled her mouth away from his and drew in a shuddering breath, her hands abruptly breaking away from his back to slide between them and firmly push him back when he began to nuzzle her neck. "Stop. We have to stop."

For a moment James couldn't believe what he was hearing; he could feel her heart thundering against his chest and the trembling of her body beneath his. Was she seriously asking him to stop? Then he felt her give another firm push against his chest and he reluctantly pulled away from her, kneeling above her as she scrambled out from underneath him, her lips red from his kisses and her face flushed. He stared down at her, trying to work out what the hell had happened and why she'd stopped him when everything had seemed to be going so right.

"Sheppard, are you okay?" He reached out to touch her but she moved further up the couch to avoid him, breathing hard and still visibly trembling. Watching her pull away from him was more sobering than a cold shower, and he instantly felt the intensity of his physical need begin to fade.

"I'm fine, I'm just…I can't." She sat on the edge of the couch and drew in an unsteady breath, resting her head in her hands and avoiding his gaze. "I'm still with Kaidan, so I can't do this. I'm sorry."

It was like a slap in the face and James sank down on the other end of the couch, "But I thought…"

"I know what you thought." She sounded exasperated again and she dragged hands through her mussed up hair, smoothing it down so it didn't look quite so tussled. "Please James, just give _me_ a second to think."

He nodded even though she wasn't looking at him and waited in silence as she straightened her clothes and fixed her hair. He had the distinct feeling that what had just happened had shaken Shepard more than it should have, as though it had taken her by surprise that she'd reacted to him so strongly. She obviously didn't take relationships lightly, and coming this close to betraying Kaidan seemed to have really stunned her.

"I didn't mean for that to happen." She spoke so quietly that James wasn't sure if she was speaking to herself or to him. "I was just planning to have dinner and chat."

"It's okay, Zillia…"

"No, it's not." Shepard shook her head and stood up, looking as colourless and washed out as an old photograph. "Look, I need some time to think about what happened, okay? I don't want to be rude, but…"

"But you're kicking me out?" James tried to hide his disappointment as he stood up and determinedly plastered a grin on his face, "That's okay, Commander. I've been thrown out of better places than this…"

"I can't let this go on." She didn't seem to even notice his attempt at a joke, it was as though she was drowning in regret. Her eyes pleaded with him to understand, and he did. She was facing a terrible choice; the man who she had loved for years or the man who had protected and supported her for all the long months on Earth.

James nodded and wordlessly made his way to the door, aware that Shepard was following behind him; a dark and unhappy presence at his back. He did, on some level, empathise with her and the impossible choice she had to make, yet the choice seemed so easy to him. He'd never hurt her and never would; the same couldn't be said for Kaidan Alenko.

"Are you going back to the Normandy?"

"Yeah, cheaper than a hotel." James instantly wished he'd said something different, instead of sounding like a typical Alliance grunt.

She spared a ghost of a smile for him, but her eyes were solemn, "Can you tell Kaidan that I'm taking tonight to think things over?"

"Sure thing." Vega knew he sounded reluctant; the last thing he wanted to do was talk to Kaidan, especially after the thrashing the Major had given him earlier on. But he'd do it for Shepard; he'd do anything for her.

Besides, he and Alenko probably had to have a bit of a talk themselves and work out exactly what they would do when Shepard made her choice in the morning. One of them would be hurt. One of them would possibly leave the Normandy, although James knew that no matter what happened he would be staying there; even if Shepard decided she didn't want to be with him, he'd always have her back.

"I'll know by the morning." She avoided his gaze as he walked through the doorway, "I'll talk to you both then."

James stared at the outside of her apartment door as it shut, listening as he heard her draw the locks and then walk away, her footsteps slow and even. As he turned walked away he felt a hundred different things all at once but chief among them was hope, frustration, jealousy, love and fear. The future loomed before him looking both terrifying and inviting; it all depended on what Zillia decided tonight. He wasn't sure what would happen when the morning came, but at least now he knew that Shepard did feel something for him.

For now, that was all he had.

* * *

**A/N – Gosh, this chapter was tough to write! I really hope everyone enjoyed reading it! Please review and let me know what you think I do love reading comments and chatting – it makes my day! **


	8. Waiting

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect _

**A/N – Thank you to the people who reviewed the last chapter and chatted with me – I always have fun talking characters and Mass Effect! Hopefully you all enjoy this chapter too! I thought it was time to give the boys some alone time!  
**

* * *

Kaidan lay on his bunk with his hands behind his head and his eyes closed against the dim lighting of the crew quarters. He was alone on the ship as far as he could tell with most of the crew having opted to stay on the Citadel for a bit of privacy and some peace and quiet, which he could quite understand; it wasn't easy to spend months aboard a starship with no privacy. He would have given anything for some peace and quiet himself, but his mind was periodically throwing up images of Shepard and Vega wrapped in each others arms so he wasn't getting much rest tonight.

The splitting headache that he'd developed after leaving Shepard's apartment had faded away after he'd come back here and lay down in the relative dark to rest, unfortunately it had been replaced by a thumping stress headache as he tortured himself with thoughts of what might happen tonight between Zillia and James. He couldn't stop thinking about them and what they might be doing right this very second; in fact he'd almost gone back to Shepard's twice, the second time he'd made it as far as the Citadel dock before he'd made himself go back and lie down. He was sure his imagination was worse than reality, but it was so tough knowing that he'd thrown them together after he'd fought so hard to get Shepard back and make amends.

At the time, when he'd told Shepard to spend time with James and sort out her emotions, it had seemed like a reasonable thing to do; Shepard was confused and needed clarity. He'd told her to work things out and make a firm decision about what she wanted from both of them to save them all from heartache later on if, God forbid, she decided she'd made a mistake choosing him. At the time he'd been feeling confident that Shepard would stay with him and they would be fine. But now, lying in the dark on the Normandy by himself, he wasn't so sure. Every second that ticked by made him aware that James was with Zillia and the later it became, the worse his imagination got and the worse he felt.

He forced himself to think about more pleasant things, like the first time he met Shepard on the Normandy. He'd been so nervous about meeting the great commander Shepard that he'd worked himself into a state and had given himself a headache so bad it was almost a migraine. He'd still managed to stand to attention when she'd come past and had shaken his hand, but he'd been struggling to really focus through the pain. He'd had an impression of golden tiger-eyes, stunning red hair and a firm hand on his that held the grip for maybe a beat too long, then she'd moved on and he'd been left with the familiar prickle of energy over his skin that he always got when he met a fellow biotic. Sometimes he found the sensation creepy, like an army of bugs was scurrying over him, but with Shepard the energy had felt warm and alive.

He'd been smitten immediately; helplessly and completely. Even with a crushing migraine he'd still realised how beautiful she was and he'd gone out of his way to meet her again, which wasn't hard given that she was the Normandy's XO and he reported to her. After Jenkins' death on Eden Prime he hadn't been able to hide his feelings anymore. Ashley had given him hell about it, especially after his bumbling admission on the Citadel that he found Shepard beautiful. It hadn't taken Shepard long to work out that he was enamoured with her, but what was surprising was that he had been besotted with him too, although it had taken him longer to work that out.

He didn't know when Shepard had first realised she had feelings for him, but he thought maybe it was when she'd woken up in the med bay after the beacon incident on Eden Prime. When she had sat up and seen that he was there waiting for her to wake up, there had been something different about the way she'd looked at him; something softer in her eyes that he was sure hadn't been their earlier. Then as the days had gone on and they'd spent more time fighting together and talking in the downtime, they'd began to slowly form a bond that went beyond friendship. Shepard was the only one who knew the whole truth about Rahna, and he was pretty sure he was the only one who she'd really talked to about her father.

Breaking regulations and admitting their feelings had been tough, as both of them were career officers and up until then they'd kept their personal feelings in check, but after the Normandy was grounded things had become a lot simpler and a lot of regulations hadn't mattered anymore. He could still remember their first kiss the night before Ilos; it had been so passionate it had shaken him to his core. The kiss had been a gateway to further intimacy, and by the time the night was through there was a single inch of Commander Zillia Shepard that he hadn't kissed, caressed or held. As he'd lain awake that night with her in his arms, he'd realised he was in love and had known that this was the woman he wanted for the rest of his life.

Then the Collectors had ruined everything…

The door to the crew quarters slid open, interrupting his ruminations, and James came in limping in stiffly. He was still wearing his bloodied clothes and anyone with at least one eye in their head would have known he'd been in a fight. The medigel that Shepard had applied to him as done its job and he wasn't looking as bad as he could have been, especially given how hard he'd hit him and thrown him around. James turned his head and glanced around the room, nodding politely when caught sight of Kaidan, although his eyes narrowed and lips tightened almost imperceptibly as he came towards him.

Kaidan slowly sat up on the bed, wondering if James was going to have another go at him, or if he was still angry about the fight. It wouldn't have been pleasant; being beaten up by someone who appeared physically inferior, and having it happen in front of the woman you were trying to impress. But the younger soldier didn't seem to be geared up for a fight, in fact he looked surprisingly calm.

"Did you have a nice night?" Kaidan tried to sound disinterested, but he could tell from the way James' mouth twitched that he was as transparent as glass. Vega would have had to be an idiot not to know that Kaidan had lay in here wrestling with the possibilities of what they would be up to. He didn't say anything immediately, but James' slow smile spoke volumes and Kaidan felt jealousy begin to unfurl little tendrils inside of him; _something_ had happened.

"Yeah, a great night." James sank down slowly onto one of the chairs around the table and stretched, his joints popping and cracking. "It's amazing how much better Shepard and I get on when you're not in our way."

Kaidan knew that Vega was trying to bait him, and that he was going out of his way to try to make him jealous, so he kept his temper in check. After all, he was anxious enough already about what might have happened between the two of them, so nothing Vega could say, except confirming that what he dreaded had happened, would make him feel any worse. He made himself smile and look relaxed, as though he was unaffected by the things that James _wasn't _saying.

"We had dinner and a few drinks, and..." James paused and Kaidan saw him slyly grin, realising in that instant that it was a deliberate pause designed to encourage him to imagine all sorts of things. "Well, a gentleman doesn't kiss and tell."

Kaidan fought not to clench his fists or show any visible outward sign of anger; he hated James more than ever in that instant. That he would come back here and deliberately try to make him jealous, especially when Kaidan had done James a favour and had given him a chance with Shepard, made him furious. He kept it inside though, and his voice, when he spoke, was remarkably calm and normal. "Did you sleep with her?"

James hesitated for a heartbeat and Kaidan knew what the answer would be before he spoke, "No." he finally admitted, but the pause made Kaidan wonder how close they had come and what had actually happened.

He could read between the lines and wasn't stupid; they had obviously made out, _again_, and maybe had gone a little further. But they'd stopped, and judging from the ever so slightly disgruntled look on James' face, it was Shepard that had brought things to a halt. Kaidan wanted to breathe a sigh of relief, but he kept that bundled inside of him too.

He was glad he'd trusted Shepard and given her this opportunity to work out for sure how she felt about James. Sure, he felt sick to think of her touching James, but at least it was done now, and Shepard would have to face the truth and stop pretending nothing was wrong. He didn't want to lose her again, if he did it would probably drive him mad, but he didn't think it would happen and he was sure that Zillia would stay with him.

"And?" He prompted, wishing Vega would just spit out whatever else had happened before he had left the apartment. "Did she say anything to you about us?"

"She said she needs to think about things and she'd get back to us in the morning." James repeated the message woodenly, his voice and facial expression reflecting what Kaidan felt; _disappointment_.

It hurt that Shepard had sent James packing but hadn't asked him to come home. Sure, Kaidan had told her to take a night to think things over, he couldn't deny it, but he had hoped that she wouldn't listen to him. It fed his doubts and made him question so much of what he'd come to believe in. Was he really worth so little to her that she felt she needed to take a night to work out if she wanted to stay with him? Or was it just that she still had some hesitation about being with him after Horizon and Mars? He didn't think so, he could remember the way she'd clung to him that first night in the apartment when James had accidentally walked in on them; the way she'd confessed to missing him.

She loved him.

"Great." Kaidan responded without enthusiasm and James raised his eyebrows and nodded in agreement, his expression surprisingly cynical. For once both men were in agreement: Shepard needed to make a decision before things became even more entangled and confused. She certainly owed it to both of them to face up to her own feelings and to be honest with all of them, including herself.

"Major, can I ask you something?" James sighed and looked down at his hands, a lot of his earlier antagonism gone. He shifted his weight awkwardly and then glanced up again. "I don't understand why you hurt Zillia on Horizon? If you love her so much, then why weren't you happy to see her?"

Kaidan drew in a breath and considered the question, the answer and how best phrase what he needed to say. He'd thought about it a lot over the last few months, and he and Shepard had discussed it at length, but the answer never came easy to him because there was no simple answer. He didn't want to talk about this with Vega of all people, but James needed to have the record set straight; clearly he had a warped idea of their situation, especially given that he'd heard most of what he knew from Shepard at the height of her rage at him.

"I don't know if I can answer that easily, Vega." Kaidan sighed and stood up, crossing the room to the table and sitting down across from the lieutenant, drumming his fingers on the table as he tried to find a way to articulate what he needed to say. "I know you don't like me anymore, but if I explain this to you, you can't repeat it."

Vega nodded at him, looking calm and collected, but Kaidan could feel his leg jiggling under the table and knew that James was every bit as nervous as he was. He had the oddest feeling that despite everything that had gone on between them, James was starting to feel uncomfortable about interfering with his relationship with Zillia. Maybe Shepard had said something that had actually sunk into his thick head, or maybe he was finally starting to act like an adult and had realised that relationships were complex and things were never as simple as they seemed.

"When Shepard died, I almost didn't make it." Kaidan spoke softly, aware that EDI would hear their conversation no matter what volume he spoke at, but for some reason recounting painful memories loudly and clearly seemed wrong. He tried not to let emotions and memory colour his words as he continued to speak, "I blamed myself and felt guilty for surviving when she'd died so needlessly."

"Yeah, I get that." Vega nodded and Kaidan remembered that although the lieutenant was young, he'd already made some tough calls and had lost some people he cared about. Vega knew about the black pit that survivor guilt threw you into and how hard it was to crawl back out of.

"Well, it took me a year of intense therapy sessions, medication and even sleeping sedatives to claw my way out and stop dreaming about her death and blaming myself. I loved her more than I'd loved anything in my life, but she was also my best friend and my commanding officer, so I was suffering on a few levels." He drew in a deep breath, realising that Vega was following his speech closely, his brown eyes watching him as though he suspected a deception.

"When she showed up again on Horizon I didn't know what to think. I _was_ ecstatic and happy to see her alive, but then I began to wonder how the hell it was that she was back when I knew she'd been reduced to nothing but _pieces_. I saw she was with Cerberus and I...I didn't think clearly. I began to wonder if maybe she had faked her death and that she'd used me..." Kaidan shook his head and looked down at his hands, "It sounds ridiculous now, but at the time I didn't know what the hell was happening."

"But you believe her now? You know that she _did_ die and that Cerberus brought her back." James sounded belligerent again, and Kaidan felt sure that if he'd replied in the negative, Vega would have argued the point until he was blue in the face. The lieutenant was like a loyal lapdog, unwilling to see his mistress' reputation tarnished.

"Yes, I know that now, lieutenant. I've read both the Alliance file and the Shadow Broker file. I believed her then too, believe it or not. It's was just that two years had passed. Two years is a long time, and I had no idea how long she'd been with Cerberus or what they'd done to her when they brought her back. She could have been a puppet they were controlling..."

"You knew by the time she surrendered and was sent back to Earth that she wasn't a Cerberus puppet though, right?" James looked like he couldn't believe what he was hearing, it was as though he thought Kaidan's fears about Shepard were silly and ridiculous.

"I still had my concerns." Kaidan admitted honestly, shrugging because nothing he said or did would change the way he'd felt at the time. "But that was then, and things have changed…"

"Is that why you didn't visit her on Earth?" The lieutenant interrupted him again, still frowning as though struggling to comprehend why he had acted as he did with a woman he said he loved.

"No, I..." Kaidan swallowed hard and tried to find the right words that wouldn't make him look like a coward, "The truth is, I knew I'd hurt her and I was too much of a coward to face up to her. I was still in love with her and if I'd got back with her and she had turned out to be a Cerberus puppet, well, I don't how I would have dealt with that." He could see, finally, that James was starting to understand him and why he'd acted as he did. It was a pity he hadn't just come and spoken to him sooner, rather than putting all of them through this farce.

"It seemed easier to keep away from her and avoid the pain, rather than letting her back into my life and then have her vanish from it again. It wasn't until the Reapers attacked and I was forced onto the Normandy with her that I realised how badly I had missed Zi and how much I still loved her." He knew he sounded pathetic and lame, but it was the truth. Even if the Reapers destroyed them all, at least they'd brought him and Shepard together again.

They sat in silence for a minute until Kaidan reached over and picked up a deck of cards sitting on the table, holding them out to Vega. "How about a poker game to pass the time?"

"You think either one of us has the concentration for poker?" James took the deck of cards out of his hands anyway and began to rapidly shuffle them. "Although I suppose neither one of us is probably going to be getting any sleep tonight, are we?"

"Nope." Kaidan shook his head slowly, his tired looking toffee coloured eyes following Vega's movements as he dealt out the cards. Playing poker was probably the last thing he felt like doing, but James was right when he'd said that neither of them were likely to get any sleep tonight. They may as well be civil to each other while they passed the time.

"So, if the Commander ends up with me, what are you going to do?"

Kaidan looked sharply up at James' words, but he didn't look cocky, merely thoughtful and even a little sad. He pondered what he would do if Shepard did choose James over him. He _wanted_ to stay on the Normandy and help stop the Reapers…but could he face seeing Shepard with James day after day? No. It would drive him mad, Kaidan admitted to himself. Losing her all over again would be bad enough, but having her so close that he could touch her, but unable to do so because she'd chosen another man over him, would all but kill him.

"I don't know." He hesitated to answer truthfully. It actually hurt to think of a life without Shepard. A life without the purr of her biotics along his skin or the feel of her in his arms was enough to make his chest tighten in fear; he'd lived that nightmare once. "What about you?"

"Oh, I'd stay. I'd have her back no matter what she chooses to do." Vega looked confident, but a little unwell at the thought. Kaidan envied him the strength to be able to make that choice, but then James had never had to hear from grim faced Alliance officers that the woman he loved was KIA, nor had he had to sit through her funeral, or had to spend endless nights alone with nothing but nightmares in which she died. It was easy to be brave when you didn't know how painful the reality of losing someone could be.

"You know," James continued to speak as they began to draw cards, "all that time I was friends with you and I never guessed how you felt about her." He sounded sad, and Kaidan guessed that the lieutenant was beginning to see things from the other side of the fence, rather than Shepard's green pasture. Was he feeling guilty for interfering in their relationship? God he hoped so, it might actually mean that if Shepard did decide to stay with him, Vega would leave them be. Kaidan looked up from his cards and managed a wry grin at Vega.

"Well, I'm not really a big one for sharing my innermost thoughts or feelings." Kaidan rested his elbows on the table and surveyed his cards. "And what I said at the casino was true; I really didn't think you were that serious about Shepard. Plus I knew you'd be angry when you found out and I didn't want to cause conflict or make waves."

"Yeah, because this." James gestured at Kaidan and himself, "This is so much better. The arguing, the fighting and the bitterness." He shook his head again, "I still can't believe I never even guessed you were in love with her, I'm normally so good at picking up on stuff like that."

"Well, I have a good poker face." Kaidan said simply as he drew another card.

* * *

**A/N – Now I just feel bad for both of them. They were such good buddies before all of this! Also, I can't play poker...can you tell? As always, I'd love to hear from you in a review! **


	9. Trembling

Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect

**A/N – Thanks to the people who reviewed the last chapter, especially at AO3 where people went mental with the reviews and made me laugh about a million times! You guys are so sassy!**

**Having said that, in this chapter Shepard makes her choice. I can't please everyone since some of you are Kaidan fans and some of you are James fans. So yes…enjoy the story but I'm sorry if I don't end up skipping down your shipper path!**

* * *

Shepard sat on the couch with her knees to her chest and her arms linked loosely around them; she felt so cold. She'd lit a fire and had put on a jumper but it had made no difference, she felt chilled to the bone; as though she had ice all the way to her core. The last time she'd felt this cold had been the day she'd died, when she'd been in space and her suit had depressurised. But the cold she was feeling now had nothing to do with the temperature and everything to do with fear and with her memories.

She stared at the fire burning in the fireplace, the flickering flames reflecting in her golden eyes as she thought about the Normandy and Kaidan and the secret that she'd never told him. Her face was expressionless as she chewed on her lower lip, her thoughts far away on a ship that was long gone and all the lives that had ended. It was hard to believe that it had all happened years ago, especially since it only felt like months for her, but so much had changed in those years, maybe too much.

She thought about James and Kaidan, both of them were so different and yet so similar. They were both brave, caring and strong, and both of them loved her in their own way; Kaidan with an intensity that took her breath away, and James with a blind determination. She didn't want either of them hurt, but it was inevitable that one of them would get their heart trampled on, and unfortunately the past was important and there were some things which she couldn't forget about.

Zillia had been drawn to Kaidan from the instant she had met him on her first day aboard the Normandy, he'd looked absolutely gorgeous with his thick black hair and malt coloured eyes. When she'd shaken his hand she'd held it for longer than needed, just to get his attention and to force him to look at her properly. She'd felt that electric sizzle that meant he was another biotic, and she'd filed away his name for future reference, determined to get to know him better because human biotics were still unusual and she hadn't worked with many.

She'd known he liked her, it was obvious from the way he watched her and how flustered he became when she flirted with him. Their romance had been sweet and physical to begin with, both of them vowing that their relationship wouldn't get in the way of their work. But neither of them had counted on falling so completely in love; not that they had ever said the words aloud. Those first few months of their relationship had been intense, and it was no wonder that when Kaidan had hurt her on Horizon she had pulled away from him so sharply, determined to protect herself from any future heartbreak.

She hadn't been drawn to James on the same level as Kaidan, with Vega her response had been purely physical. She'd thought he was adorably cute, good looking and a massive hunk of a man, but there hadn't been the same initial pull as there had been with Kaidan. It had helped that he was constantly flirting with her and making her laugh. He'd kept her sane through some of the worst months of her life and it was possible that she wouldn't have made it without him. He'd taken care of her, protected her and had made her smile with his constant stream of stories and anecdotes.

She had never stopped to let herself look too deeply at her attraction to James, at least not while she was on Earth and certainly not on the Normandy. She'd known at the back of her mind that she fancied him, but she'd thought that was all. Until tonight when she'd finally let her barriers down and actually let herself respond to him properly, and the depth of her response to James had been frightening. It felt different to her feelings for Kaidan, completely different, and it scared her that she could feel this powerfully about two men at the same time.

Both Kaidan and James had played important roles in her life, and neither one of them deserved to be hurt…

Shepard made herself stop and think properly, because this wasn't just about Kaidan and James. She needed to think about herself as well and what she wanted from her future. She deserved to be happy for whatever time was left in this galaxy, whether the Reapers won or not. So, who would make her the happiest? Kaidan, who she loved dearly but who had already broken her heart once, or James had stood by her side when Kaidan hadn't?

There were so many things that she had never been able to do when the first Normandy went down, so many things she had left unsaid to Kaidan; things which she had wanted a second chance to say and do. But was she letting her past with Kaidan influence her too much? Maybe he'd hit the nail on the head when he'd said, all those months ago, that they were different people now. The problem was, she didn't feel any different.

In the end, the choice wasn't as hard as she expected because she'd known who it was she wanted all along; it was finding the words to tell them both that really broke her heart.

* * *

Despite what he had said the night before, Kaidan ended up falling asleep on the Normandy in the small hours of the morning, as had James, although both of them had played poker long into the night. The morning had brought no relief though, and if anything the waiting was even harder because both he and James knew that Shepard might contact either one of them at any stage. He tried to act normally and find something to keep him busy, but he was constantly waiting for a message from Shepard on his omni-tool.

Wherever he went, James wasn't far behind, seeming to find an excuse to be in the same room as Kaidan no matter what he was doing, he guessed it was just in case he got a message from Shepard and James didn't. Eventually he stopped trying to get away from the lieutenant and they both sat in the mess hall drinking coffee and tea silently, waiting for something to happen.

He'd dreamed about Shepard last night; dreamed about their time on the first Normandy after they had defeated Saren and Sovereign. That was probably the happiest he'd ever been, not just because of Shepard, but because for the first time he'd felt like he belonged. The crew of the Normandy had been like a family to him, aliens and humans alike. He and Shepard had barely been able to contain their relationship to her cabin, they'd wanted to spend as much time together as they could and they were always finding ways to touch each other on duty. More of the crew had probably known about them than he realised, but at the time he'd been too in love to care.

Kaidan drummed his fingers restlessly on the table, mechanically drinking the terrible ration coffee and wishing he could go back in time and stop Shepard from dying that day. He wanted to be anywhere but here and in this situation, but what he really wanted was to be back at the apartment with Shepard. The fear that coiled inside of him that she was going to choose James was too strong to ignore, and he wished for the millionth time that he'd kept his mouth shut yesterday instead of practically throwing her and James together. He should have insisted that she send James packing and stayed with her, then none of this would have happened and they'd be together right now.

Without warning James' omni-tool lit up and the younger man stared at it with round eyes before rapidly opening up an extranet message and reading it quickly, his face breaking out into a relieved smile. Kaidan felt every single square inch of his body freeze at that smile. Shepard couldn't have chosen James. She wouldn't. She didn't love him. She couldn't.

"It's from Shepard. She wants to see me." James sounded as excited as he looked and he stood up quickly, his cup of tea instantly forgotten. He glanced at Kaidan, who still felt like he was encased in ice, and for a moment looked like he was going to say something, but then he just turned and walked away quickly.

Kaidan stared at the spot where James had been sitting and swallowed hard. The fear inside of him had solidified into an icy lump that was sitting in the pit of his stomach, making him feel sick. Shepard had sent James a message to come and see her, but not him. What did that mean? James had looked so happy…so was this it? Has Shepard really chosen to set him aside so she could pursue a relationship with _James Vega_ of all people? He glanced at his omni-tool but it remained stubbornly silent and Kaidan had to face that whatever Shepard wanted to say to James, she wanted to say to him alone.

A wave of anxiety rushed through him and Kaidan clenched his hand around the coffee cup so tightly it shattered in his grip, scalding coffee and razor sharp shards of porcelain splashing against his hand and wrist, and spilling across the table. Kaidan never noticed. He frantically thought back over what he could have done wrong to push Shepard away. Had it been because he'd lost his temper last night? Had he scared her away just like he had Rahna?

_Please no_…_not again._

As another wave of mind-numbing anxiety crashed over him and Kaidan stood up in agitation. He couldn't stay here on the Normandy. Others would be arriving soon, crew members and maintenance workers. He didn't want to see any of them, or to have to explain what was wrong with him. He knew he probably looked sick; he felt like the blood had rushed from his face and he knew he was glassy eyed. He had to leave. He had to put some distance between himself and…everything.

He reeled away from the table and made his way to the airlock, pacing back and forth in the elevator as it slowly climbed to the command deck and his escape route out of the Normandy. As the airlock cycled and opened he saw Tarynor inside but he determined pushed past her, barely registering as she tried to say hello and then stared at him with her face crinkled in concern.

"Major? Are you okay?"

He ignored her and strode out of the ship and down to the dock, switching off his omni-tool so he wouldn't be disturbed. He didn't know where he was going but he had to get away. Away from the Normandy, away from James and away from everyone. Talking to someone was the last thing he wanted to do; right now he felt as fragile and as brittle as glass, and the smallest bit of sympathy would shatter him into a million pieces. He had to think clearly and calm down. The tightness in his chest and the burning behind his eyes was killing him, and it was all Kaidan could do to stop the scream building inside of him from coming out.

He had to get away.

* * *

Shepard took a deep breath as her door chimed again and, unable to put it off any longer, she opened the door to the apartment, trying to stop the butterflies in her stomach as she caught site of James lounging in the doorway with a relaxed grin on his face. He was so handsome, she thought to herself as she waved him in, and despite all his confidence and swagger he really was such a down to earth and gentle person.

"Hey Lola." He walked in with his usual confident smile and she felt herself die a little bit inside; he looked so happy and she hated that she was about to hurt him and wipe the smile off his face. But it had been inevitable from the very beginning that one of the men she cared about was going to get hurt.

She'd thought if she spoke to James alone, just him and her, it might make it easier to break the news to him that even though she liked him, and even though she felt attracted to him, she couldn't put aside her feeling for Kaidan. Especially not when they had reconciled and still loved each other. Yes, James had been there to support her when she needed help, but did that mean that she had to put aside her own feelings? The more she had reflected on James' behaviour, the more she had begun to question how he actually did feel about her.

From the very instant that he'd discovered that she was with Kaidan he'd behaved as though he knew better than her and that her feelings didn't matter. She'd told him time and again that she loved Kaidan and wanted to be with him, and each time James had ignored her; convinced that he knew better than she did what was right for her. Vega meant well, but enough was enough! In the end her heart had always belonged to Kaidan Alenko; even what she'd hated him.

"Hey James, sit down." She tried to keep her voice light as she gestured to a couch, but she saw James instantly stop and his smile freeze up.

_He knows__._ She realised. Something in her voice or her face must have given it away, but he already knew what she was going to tell him; he was just waiting for the hammer to fall. She watched as he swallowed hard and looked at the couch where they'd been together last night, before she'd asked him to leave so she could be alone with her thoughts.

"If it's all the same, Lola. I might stand." The frozen smile slowly drifted off his face until he stared at her with a sad look in his eyes. "I think I know what you're going to say…"

"I think you do." Shepard agreed and came towards him, wanting to do this quickly because James was proud and he wouldn't want her to drag it out.

"…and you're making a mistake." He was still stubbornly determined she realised, and Shepard stopped a few feet away from him, not sure she could trust him not to try and kiss her again if she came closer.

She crossed her arms over her chest and sighed. "I'm not making a mistake, or if I am, then it's my mistake to make. I've had a lot of time to think about this James, and I like you, I really do, but I don't love you."

James jerked a though she'd hit him, and she saw a muscle in his cheek twitch. For an instant he looked angrier than she'd even seen him, but then he closed his eyes on the emotion and drew in a deep breath, "I wanted to believe that you were asking me to come here because you'd decided you wanted to be with me," He sighed and rubbed at his temples, his eyes flicking around the room and looking anywhere but at her as the anger seemed to leave him, "but there was never a chance of that, was there?"

Zillia shook her head, "I'm sorry…"

"Yeah, I figured that when I saw your face." James swallowed hard crossed his arms over his chest, looking awkward as hell. "I talked to Alenko last night, about you and him and what went on. I don't really understand the guy or why he hurt you, but I know he loves you."

"He does." She nodded, "We love each other."

James waved a hand at her and shook his head, "I don't want the details, Commander. You do what you need to do and be happy. Just know that I love you, and I probably always will."

Zillia tried to ignore the tension between them as he waited for her to respond, but what could she say? She fancied James, but she didn't love him, not like she did Kaidan. James was funny and cute and was the kind of man she might have been attracted to once upon a time, but not anymore. Too much had happened between herself and Kaidan, too many bridges had been built, destroyed and fixed for her not to cross over. As much as she liked James, he would never mean as much to her as Kaidan did.

"Are you staying in the Normandy?" Shepard had to break the silence, and since she probably couldn't say anything that would take the gutted look off his face, she would stick to what their relationship would be from now on; professional.

"Do you want me to?" He countered, his face serious. "I'll understand if you want me gone."

"You're a good soldier, Vega." Zillia knew it was a lame response and that she had to step up and take responsibility, so she tried again, "I'd like you to stay, but only if it isn't going to get awkward."

It was the truth; she did want James to stay. Not because he was cute or because she was attracted to him, but because he was a damn good solider and was the kind of person who she trusted with her life. But there were limits to what she'd put up with. If he stayed on the Normandy, he had to understand that whatever he thought it was between them was gone, and that she was with Kaidan and _only_ Kaidan.

James laughed softly, but not in amusement, and his brown eyes looked tired. "Oh, I think it'll be awkward for a while, but I've got your back."

Zillia nodded, half relieved that James would be staying on, and half frightened that it might cause trouble in the future. He was so young. Was he even capable of putting his feelings behind him when he'd been so pushy so far?

"Good, but just so we're clear," She stepped forward, and took a deep breath, "there can't be anymore flirting, no more bad mouthing Kaidan and no more kissing me, or you'll be gone."

"Of course, Commander, although I can't promise you that I'll stop flirting." Vega flashed her a weary smile, then nodded at her curtly, his jaw tightening. "Now, if you don't mind, I think I might go."

He didn't wait for her to permission to leave, but right now they weren't on the Normandy and she wasn't his commanding officer. They were just a man and a woman, and she was almost as desperate for him to leave as he was to go. She watched as he went to the door, his back rigid with pride and his hands curled into fists so tight they almost shook. As he opened the door and left, Zillia made herself walk away too; she didn't want to watch him leave.

"Goodbye, Zillia."

She closed her eyes and drew in a shaky breath as the door closed behind him. _It was done_. The hard part was over. She was lucky that James had guessed her answer when he'd seen her face; it had saved her from having to, well, end it before it began. Really, things had gone better than she'd expected, although it had hurt just as much as she'd anticipated. She had never been good at giving other people bad news; whether it was talking to the family of a soldier who had died on her watch, or giving someone orders she knew they didn't want to take, she _always_ hated it.

She tried to banish the image of James' crushed puppy dog eyes, but her hands were still trembling as she brought up her omni-tool and punched in a connection to Kaidan, surprised when the connection didn't go through and it flashed up as being offline. Frowning, she tried again with the same result; offline. Why would Kaidan turn off his omni-tool when he knew she would be contacting both him and James today to talk to them? Unless…? Was it possible that he thought she'd called James over here first because he thought she had chosen to be with him?

Surely Kaidan couldn't have been that insecure? Not after everything they'd said to each other and how close they had become? An ominous feeling blossomed in her and Shepard swallowed hard. She should have sent him a message too, she realised, as the nasty tight feeling took hold in her chest. Her hands shaking, she pushed in the sequence to contact the Normandy and Traynor's lilting British voice immediately answered, sounding far too cheery given Shepard's current situation.

"Traynor, it's Commander Shepard. Could you tell me if Major Alenko is still on board?" Shepard knew she sounded tense, but it was hard to keep her voice sounding normal when it was possible she'd just inadvertently hurt the man she loved.

_Idiot!_ She cursed herself as she waited.

"No, sorry, Major Alenko was leaving when I was coming in. He seemed…" Traynor's voice trailed off and Shepard heard her clear her throat, "It was probably nothing, ma'am."

"What was wrong with him, Traynor?" Shepard's snapped; her voice razor sharp. She realised she was still trembling as she waited for Samantha's response, and she curled her hand into fists to try and stop them shaking.

"Oh, I don't know." Traynor paused and sounded distracted. "He didn't look well and he seemed really out of if, like he'd just seen a ghost or something." Zillia heard her draw in a soft breath, "Is everything okay, Commander?"

"I just need to find him. Do you know where he went?" Zillia paced back and forth in agitation, bile rising in her throat as she realised that Kaidan had clearly got the wrong idea and had taken off, and it was all her fault for not just sending him a simple message to reassure him. He had probably just gone for a walk to blow off some steam, but the fact that he'd turned off his communication devices wasn't the best sign.

"I don't know where he went, I'm sorry."

Shepard closed her eyes and silently swore to herself at Traynor's answer, she thanked her quickly and then ended the call. She had to find Kaidan, if he really did think she had left him he'd be upset. She could only imagine _how_ upset. To make matters worse, she had no way of contacting him or finding out where he was if he turned his omni-tool off. Shepard made herself stop, and typed out a quick message to Kaidan so that when he did turn his omni-tool back on, he'd know that she was staying with him and that she was looking for him.

She finished sending the message, grabbed her coat and headed for the door. Maybe going out and trying to find him when the Citadel was such a big place was an idiotic idea, but she had to try to find him. She'd start with Alliance Command in case he was doing something stupid and rash like getting a transfer to another ship, and then she'd check all the places where he normally hung out on the presidium commons.

She had to find him.

* * *

**A/N – **_***Hides from the James fans***_** If it makes you all feel a little better, I've started writing a new James/Shepard fic that I'll be posting soon!**

**In the meantime, Burn has one big important chapter left! Poor Shepard isn't thinking too clearly… I wonder if she'll actually find Kaidan? A Spectre who doesn't want to be found is probably pretty hard to track down! Please review ^_^**


	10. Adored

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect. If I did there would be a James Vega romance option – you can bet on that!_

**A/N – This took longer to get out than I wanted, but I've been busy with work and quite unwell with a virus; a lymph node at the back of my skull swelled up to the size of an egg. I looked like Sloth from the Goonies :( (I didn't even know you had lymph nodes on your head!) **

**Please enjoy the final chapter!**

* * *

Finding Kaidan was easier said than done in a place as big as the Citadel and Shepard felt like she was looking for a needle in a haystack. She was trying to be methodical with her searching, but it was hard to stay focused when she kept checking her omni-tool every few seconds for a message. She felt almost possessed by a need to find Kaidan and put things right. She'd made such a mess out of their relationship; she had to fix it.

Commander Bailey hadn't seen him, but he had agreed to contact Shepard immediately if he turned up. She'd let C-SEC know that she was trying to find him in case one of their officers bumped into him, telling them that it was Spectre business. She also went to the Spectre offices but there wasn't any sign of Kaidan there either and his spectre codes hadn't been used - she even hacked a terminal to see if he had accessed any facilities on the Citadel but he hadn't. So where the hell had he gone?

She felt like crying, but she couldn't spare the time or the energy to do so. This whole horrible situation was no one's fault but her own. If she'd just Sent Kaidan a message at the same time as James, then this whole thing could have been avoided. If she were really honest, the whole problem could have been avoided if she'd stopped James from kissing her that morning on the Normandy and hadn't let him touch her. She'd _known_ she was with Kaidan; in retrospect she couldn't justify her behaviour at all.

James' attention had been flattering, to be sure, but that was no excuse to have hurt someone she cared for as much as Kaidan. Kaidan was her safe harbour from the storm that was her life. They'd found their way back together against all the odds; even death hadn't managed to keep them from each other. And now she felt like everything was slipping away because she hadn't had the good sense to ignore James' attention and stay faithful to Kaidan.

Her omni-tool beeped and she fell on it quickly, quickly answering the incoming transmission without looking at who it was, "Kaidan...?"

"Sorry to intrude Commander, but I _was_ wondering if you were still looking for Major Alenko?" EDI's droll voice interrupted her and Shepard sagged with disappointment. "I take it you are?"

"Yes EDI, I'm still looking." She not to sound to exasperated, but the conversation she had had with EDI earlier had been frustrating to say the least.

When she'd contacted the Normandy to instruct Traynor to alert her if Kaidan showed up, EDI had interrupted to inform her that Kaidan had very possibly been having a panic attack when he'd disembarked from the Normandy. His vitals had been erratic and he'd left the ship in a state of high anxiety. Shepard had blamed herself and EDI had agreed, saying that he and James had spent the night talking about her and his tension had started around that time.

It hadn't helped that the AI had then started to question her about why she would engage in what appeared to be a relationship with James when she had already committed to Kaidan. Shepard had quickly ended the call, not wanting to go into detail about how she'd wound up in such a situation.

EDI paused for a second, as though listening to something else on her end, "Well, Jeff and I are down on the Presidium Commons, and Major Alenko is here."

For a moment Shepard thought she'd heard her wrong, but then EDI's words sank in and she groaned, slapping herself on the forehead. Kaidan hadn't been leaving the Citadel in a huff or hiding out from her; he'd been on the presidium. While she'd been panicking and running around like a chicken with its head cut off, he'd probably been sitting on a bench and thinking things over. If only she'd gone straight there instead of assuming the worst!

"Where is he, EDI? What's he doing?" Shepard started walking towards the nearest elevator, her heart hammering in her chest.

"He is sitting at Apollo cafe. Jeff is having a drink with him, even though Major Alenko has asked him to leave him alone twice now. He no longer appears to be suffering from anxiety, although he does seem quite mad at Jeff." The AI sounded amused at this as though anyone being mad at Joker was hilarious to her.

Shepard started to jog, not sharing EDI's good humour. "Tell him I need to see him. Tell him not to leave."

She ended the call and put her everything into getting there as soon as she could, scattering groups of people as she dodged through the crowd near the elevators. Finding Kaidan was a huge relief, but her main concern had always been reassuring him that she loved him and only him. She would say sorry for not sending him a message, sorry for not telling him to come home last night and sorry for being so thoughtless and stupid for the last few days. More than anything though she just wanted to curl up in his arms and just be with him.

* * *

"I'm asking you nicely, Joker." Kaidan was trying very hard not to get angry with the Normandy's pilot as he sat determinedly in front of him with a smile plastered on his face. "Leave me alone. I don't want to chat. I don't want to talk. I want to be by myself, alright?"

"Sure, I'll go. As soon as EDI says I can." Joker leaned close and whispered conspiratorially, "Have you ever noticed that women…"

"I don't want to chat about women either." Kaidan interrupted, his eyes hardening angrily as Joker showed no signs of leaving.

He felt calmer than he had earlier, but he still wasn't feeling great. Maybe coming here to the café where Shepard had said she loved him and wanted to get back with him was a stupid idea, but it had helped him remember the good times. It had made him feel a little more grounded to be away from the Normandy and away from the memory of James looking so happy as he scurried out of the ship.

He heard Joker clear his throat and he looked up to see EDI, who had been standing a few metres away and speaking into her version of an omni-tool came striding back towards them with a smile on her face. She looked far too happy for Kaidan's liking, although he was probably never going to be completely comfortable with EDI using that particular body, smiling or not. It had been the last thing he'd seen before Doctor Eva has smashed his head in and he'd woken up in Huerta.

"Commander Shepard is on her way and says that she needs to see you." The AI gracefully sat down in a chair and nodded almost absently at Kaidan. "She asks that you wait here for her." She switched her attention exclusively to Joker, her eyes sparkling animatedly as she smiled proudly. "I told you that Shepard would want to know where Major Alenko was."

"Okay, you were right. But now is not the time." Joker looked nervously at Kaidan. "Sorry Kaidan, but EDI here got a little over excited when she saw that you were here..."

"I do not get overexcited." EDI crossed her arms over her chest, her silver metallic skin glimmering and reflecting dappled light on the table. "I told you that Commander Shepard was looking for Kaidan and had asked that anyone who saw him was to contact her."

Jeff gave her a frown that looked only half serious. "Have you been ears dropping again?"

"I am the Normandy, Jeff. I cannot help but hear what people say when they are talking…"

"Wait." Kaidan held up a hand, his heart starting to beat a little faster in his chest. "I thought Shepard was with James? Why is she looking for me?"

He tried not to get too excited; maybe she just wanted to speak to him face to face before she ended it? The thought of that was enough to make his stomach turn. He didn't want to have to listen to Shepard say goodbye and watch her walk away; even thinking about it was heartbreaking enough. But…was it possible that he had it wrong and Shepard wasn't going to toss him to the side for James? He felt his heart give a painful thump at the merest hint of a happy ending for them.

"Lieutenant Vega has returned to the Normandy and is exercising in the shuttle bay." EDI told him with certainty, crossing her legs under the table.

Kaidan's heart gave another painful turn and his thoughts began to churn as the anxiety that had held him frozen began to thaw. Surely if Shepard had invited James over to tell him that she was in love with him and wanted to be with him, he'd be with her at this moment instead of exercising in the Normandy? There was no way that James would be alone on the Normandy if Shepard had gone for him. No way at all. Which meant that Shepard was looking at him because…

"Kaidan!" A voice rang out across the café courtyard, and several people, Kaidan included, turned to see who was yelling.

Zillia Shepard, her face flushed and her hair messy and wild, came jogging down the stairs. The look in her eyes was one of such deep relief that Kaidan would have had to be an idiot to miss it, and the look filled him with a feeling of relief too. He knew with a ridiculous sense of elation that Shepard wasn't leaving him for James; she had decided to stay with him. Why she hadn't contacted him first, he didn't know, but she must have been terrified that he had believed the worst.

She came down the stairs so fast that she almost stumbled on the final step, and she slowed herself down and walked the rest of the distance towards them, obviously self-conscious when she realised that most people were staring at her. Kaidan didn't hesitate as he stood up and went to meet her, forgetting about Joker and EDI completely as Shepard closed the distance between them, hurling herself into his arms in a blur of movement.

"I'm so sorry, Kaidan! I'm so sorry!" Shepard was mumbling a million miles an hour into the crook of his neck, her arms so tight around his chest that he could barely breathe. "You're omni-tool was off and then I realised you thought I was in love with James, but I wasn't because I love you, but then I couldn't find you and I thought I'd hurt you…"

With Shepard clinging to him, Kaidan found it difficult to remember to breathe anyway; all he could think was that she hadn't left him. She was holding onto him and pressing her lips to his neck and mumbling almost incoherently about omni-tools and messages and that she loved him and not James. It was too confusing and, laughing, Kaidan peeled Zillia away from him, his sable coloured eyes meeting her burnished golden ones with a bemused look. Behind them near the table, he could see that Joker was leading EDI away, both of them grinning as though this public show of affection was hilarious.

"Zi, I have no idea what you're saying." He confessed, holding her hands firmly in his, "But you're _here_."

"I would have been here a whole lot sooner if you'd turned your omni-tool back on!" Shepard told him softly and laughed in relief as she squeezed his hands, glancing around at their semi-audience of café goers, "Can we go home and talk?"

"Do you have to ask?" Kaidan grinned; he felt as though the world which he'd thought was falling down around him had been put right by some giant unseen Deus Ex Machina, although he guessed that Vega was probably feeling pretty awful and he spared a thought for the younger man.

He linked his arm through Shepard's and glanced down at her as they paid for the drink that he hadn't finished, "So, how did James take it?"

Shepard gave him a surprised look as they turned to leave the café, as though she didn't think he'd care. "I don't know, he was pretty upset. He's staying on the Normandy but you don't need to worry about him." She glanced at their hands as they walked along and he felt hers tighten, "He knows that it's over. I told him straight out that I don't love him. I love you."

Kaidan squeezed her hand back and tried to think of something to say, and failed. If he'd been the one who Shepard had broken up with the one that she didn't love, he'd have been completely broken hearted, so he sympathised with James. It was odd actually; yesterday he'd been struggling to feel any sympathy for James at all, but now he felt surprisingly overwhelmed by it.

* * *

Shepard tried to behave herself on the ride back to her apartment and not ravage Kaidan like she wanted to, but she'd never been a patient person and it was hard to keep her hands to herself. All the quiet time and over thinking that she'd done last night, not to mention her mad rush to find Kaidan this morning, had left her with far too much adrenaline pulsing through her system. She tried to be content with holding his hand and pressing her leg against his, but she wanted so much more than just those small touches and Kaidan must have known it.

She felt so silly for running around the Citadel after Kaidan while he'd been on the Commons the entire time at a café; he probably thought she was insane. But seeing him there and seeing his face lighten when he saw her had been worth it. Maybe she'd over reacted when she had realised he had gone from the Normandy and she couldn't contact him, but she hadn't wanted to lose him.

The ride back to the Silver Sun Strip felt like it was taking three times as long as usual, as did the elevator up to the apartment and even the walk to the front door seemed to take forever. She and Kaidan were silent the whole time, the atmosphere between them so thick it was like a storm was building. She could feel his skin humming against hers, and that faint reassuring prickle of biotic energy made things in her body twist like lines of silk.

They finally reached the front of her apartment and Shepard felt like her skin was going to split apart, the biotic power rolling and boiling between herself and Kaidan, although invisible, felt like it could tear her apart at any moment. With a hand that was trembling from both anticipation and desire, she opened the door and she and Kaidan spilled inside on a wave of biotic energy, dropping all pretences of being civilised human beings as they fell on each other like two starving beasts; making it only as far as the couches in the living room before they toppled onto the soft shaggy carpet.

Zillia wanted to vanish into the depths of her apartment with him and never come out; Reapers be damned! It felt like a million years had passed since she'd had Kaidan in her arms with his beautiful whiskey coloured eyes watching her adoringly. He was pressing hot kisses against her throat, his hands already busy undoing the catches of his battle uniform as Shepard shrugged herself out of her jacket and wrenched her Alliance issue shirt over her head.

There was nothing graceful or seductive about the way they both shed their clothes, kissing and touching each other every few seconds as though worried that the other would vanish if they didn't maintain some kind of contact. And there was something almost desperate in the air between them; as though if they didn't have each other now they'd die. It was fear, Zillia realised as she wriggled free of her pants and threw them onto the couch; it was the fear of losing each other that they'd both felt all morning that was driving their need.

Kaidan caught her in his arms and toppled her back on the floor again, his hard warm body sliding against hers as he pressed a kiss to her lips, his tongue teasing against hers. She giggled throatily as he teasingly kissed down her neck and along her collarbone; the tickling sensations sending shivers and sparks of blue light down her spine because of the biotic energy they were both emitting. She felt so alive when she was with Kaidan; he made her feel so wonderfully complete.

"God, you're so beautiful." Kaidan paused above her looked down at her, his eyes drinking in the sight of her spread naked under him, her skin lightly flushed from desire. "I'm so lucky."

"I'm the lucky one." Zillia told him as she pulled him down closer to her, running her nails lightly down his firmly packed shoulders and arms, and then down his back. He closed his eyes and hissed in pleasure as she traced his hips and his belly, then delicately ran her fingers down the hard hot length of him. His arms, which were holding him above her, trembled slightly and Shepard grinned to see it; Kaidan's reaction to her touch always made her feel so desirable.

"I love you, Zi." He opened his eyes, and looked down at her with a wealth of emotion in his serious brown eyes, "I never stopped, not once, and no matter what happens I'm going to keep loving you."

Shepard wrapped her arms around him and pulled him down so that his hard muscled body was pressed tightly against hers. She kissed him, as deeply and as lovingly as she could; kissing him as she'd never kissed anyone before and never would again. Zillia put all of her feelings and all of her love into that one gesture and hoped that he would feel it. Words had never been her strong point and she knew that nothing she said would ever speak as clearly as her actions would.

She wrapped her legs around him and used her hands to guide Kaidan inside of her, moving her hips up as he moved them down; sheathing him inside of her as her muscles flexed tightly around him. He stretched her, filled her and it was so good, but it wasn't what she wanted so Shepard smoothly rolled them over so she could ride him. Kaidan moved willing to the floor as they switched positions; relinquishing control to Zillia as she settled on him, his hands gently kneading her breasts.

Zillia felt as though she were possessed; her body burned with a need that only Kaidan could fulfil and satisfy. It was as though she were on fire, her desire was so intense. She moved over Kaidan gently at first, his hands running up her body and down her ass and legs, before they found their place on her hips. As the longing built within her she lost more of her inhibitions and Shepard rode Kaidan with a grace that she normally saved for the battlefield, her movements like that of an elegant dancer swaying to music only she could hear.

She could feel him inside of her; long and hard as her muscles clung to him, holding him and milking him as she heard his breathing become more ragged. His hands tightened convulsively on her hips and his fingers dug into her flesh almost cruelly; but Shepard was too far gone to feel anything but the waves of intense pleasure building inside of her. The waves crested and rushed over her, sweeping her and Kaidan along in a cacophony of noise and feelings; of exquisite pleasure, soft cries and release.

Exhausted in the best of ways and with her body aching and trembling sweetly, she let herself fall to the soft carpet next to Kaidan, cuddling into his body when she felt his arm scoop her against him. She held him as he held her, both of them still lost in the moment, the flames they carried for each other still burning brightly. They were meant to be together; Zillia had known it since the first moment she'd met him and felt that connection.

But there were things that she hadn't been able to tell him all those years ago; things that she had never been given the chance to tell him, let alone for them to talk about as people who loved each other normally should. Broaching the subject of the Normandy's destruction and her death was never something she liked to do, as neither she nor Kaidan liked talking about it. For her, the memories of being blown out into space, the initial fear of realising she was falling into a planet and the terror of knowing her suit was depressurising was something she would always carry inside of her. Just as Kaidan would carry the despair and horror that he'd felt when he'd realised she had died and he'd been left alone.

Some things, like she and Kaidan, were destined to be together, and some things were not meant to be, she knew this, but it didn't make them any easier to talk about. Zillia shifted on the carpet and slowly sat up, leaning back against the leg of the couch and trying to find the words to tell Kaidan what it was that he needed to know. She brought one leg up to her chest and linked her arm around it, resting her chin on her knee and watching her lover as he watched her.

"There's something I need to tell you." She swallowed hard as Kaidan sat up, his face sobering as he saw how serious she suddenly was. "It's about something that happened on the Normandy before it went down. Before I died." She clarified quickly, not wanting him to get the wrong idea.

Kaidan looked suddenly drawn and pale, and she saw him swallow in turn, his eyes darkening quickly, "Zillia…"

"I meant to tell you a long time ago. God, I was planning on telling you _years_ ago, but," She smiled briefly and without humour, "I never got the chance, what with dying and all." Her attempt at a joke fell flat and Kaidan kept looking at her with those serious eyes.

"Shepard, I think I might already know what you're going to say." Now Kaidan looked and sounded nervous, and he moved over next to her, one of his hands finding hers and squeezing it gently. "Doctor Chakwas told me."

Zillia looked up, her heart contracting painfully at how tender the look in Kaidan's eyes was, "You knew? Did you know before I died…?"

He shook his head and his eyes went distant for a moment, "No, she told me at your funeral. She said she thought I had a right to know that you were pregnant and that you'd only found out the morning that the Normandy went down."

"Yeah." Shepard swallowed again, memories of that hellish visit to medbay far too fresh in her mind considering it had happened years ago. Chakwas had been understanding and motherly, assuring Shepard that there were lots of options open to her and that she should discuss all of them with Kaidan before making a decision. But she'd never been able to have that discussion with Kaidan because all hell had broken loose and she'd wound up dead.

"I'm sorry, Shepard." Kaidan closed the tiny distance between them and put an arm around her shoulders, pulling her into a half hug. "I didn't know if you remembered, or if you were ever planning on telling me. So I just kept quiet and didn't bring it up. I didn't want to upset you."

"Upset me?" Shepard let her head fall onto Kaidan's shoulder, unable to believe that Kaidan had known all this time and hadn't spoken to her about it in case it had upset _her_ too much. "And here I was dreading talking about it in case you blamed me."

"Blamed you? You'd only just found out and then the Collectors killed you. There wasn't anything that you could have done differently." He sighed and the arm around her tightened, "I admit when Chakwas told me…I didn't know what to feel, other than wondering how you'd felt."

"I don't know." She tried to imagine being pregnant, but failed. The idea had been so new that she hadn't really accepted it when she died, and the concept still felt alien to her. "I never planned to have children, but I was planning on talking to you and seeing what you wanted to do."

"Knocking up my commanding officer never really featured highly in my career plan." Kaidan admitted wryly, as he rested his head on hers and wrapped his other arm around her too. "I suppose I would have asked you to marry me if you hadn't died and if you'd wanted to have the baby."

Shepard laughed softly, "There's a lot of 'ifs' in that statement, Kaidan."

"Yeah, and I've had a lot of time to think about them. More than you have." Kaidan dropped a quick kiss to her head, sounding slightly bemused at her cynicism. "Anyway, it wasn't to be. We both know that."

"True." She felt a lot of the tension she'd carried inside of her for the last few weeks begin to loosen and fall away. It was like being unbound by chains or like a giant weight had been lifted from her.

Kaidan loosened his arms around her and Shepard stood up, gathering her clothing and absently trying to imagine some happily ever after scenario where she married Kaidan and had his child. It was so far from her everyday life that it seemed more like a fairy tale than anything that might have been possible once upon a time. Both her life and Kaidan's, were so full of violence and death that there was no room for a child in them, at least not without some major life changes. She'd known it at the back of her mind; even as she'd left the medbay.

She paused to watch as Kaidan as he gathered his own clothes, still wondering how it was that he'd forgiven her after all that she'd done in the last few days. "I love you a lot, you know. Thank you for understanding."

He glanced up at her with a light smirk, "There are benefits to being understanding, Shepard." He winked at her and tossed her back her panties, which she'd missed and left lying on the floor.

She blushed and stuffed the underwear into her bundle of clothes as she headed towards the upstairs bathroom, aware that Kaidan was following a step behind and that his eyes were tailing up and down her body. As she reached the stop of the stairs, she felt his hands on her hips, steering her towards the hot tub, and she smiled despite herself at his manoeuvring.

"Sometimes, Kaidan Alenko, you're far too sexy for your own good." She muttered as he pulled the clothes from her hands and tossed them aside, helping her into the tub before climbing in himself.

He laughed at her comment, that deep throaty chuckle that sent shivers down her spine, and Shepard felt that flame inside of her begin to burn hotter. It was lucky, she decided, that they had a few more days of shore leave left to find out exactly how hot this desire could burn.

* * *

**A/N – Aaaaand it's done! Wow. I loved writing this fic inside and out, but gosh it was a tough one to wrap up! I hope you've enjoyed reading it – drop me a review if you're so inclined!**

**If you're interested****,**** I've got a new fic called Lights in the Sky which I've just put the first chapter up for. It's a James/Shepard fic…because my brain has become Vega-obsessed. **

**Thank you for reading! **


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